Friday, June 30, 2006

Sin at Sabarimala

Everytime a movie plot gets twisted and tangled beyond the scriptwriter's ability to untie the knots, Bollywood has always looked upwards for a divine intervention. An andhi-toofan-wali raat is brought to life by pedestal fans blowing mighty air accompanied by the same lifted footage of thunder tearing apart the black screen. The mother of all Hindi filmi mothers, the one and only Ms. Nirupa Roy runs to the temple to cry for justice at the lord's feet. She hits the bells and unleashes her dukh-bhari kahani soaked in adequate glycerine before falling down unconscious in front the idol. Even the zooming camera gets sentimental and jerks up and down adding to the dramatic effect as the temple bells go tong-tong-tong. I love these chiming bells, as they are a harbinger of the impeding doom for the villain, whose balls are soon to be crushed.

But sadly the censor board have decided to dig up the national film archives to run a scissor on all these scenes citing that the temple authorities had realised that this violates our
age-old tradition of not allowing women in temple. And a reliable source from I-n-B ministry said that the Mr. Priyaranjan Dasmunshi will be issuing soon a dictate to all the filmmakers not to depict any woman inside the temple as it might hurt our deep-rooted religious sentiments.

The minister who is currently on an official visit to Germany for upliftment of Indian soccer standards by importing samba dancers to boost sagging confidence of national football heroes could not be contacted for a comment

UPDATE: After a thorough study of script and scriptures the Film Association have argued that the roles portrayed by Nirupa Roy was well past the age where a woman has no use of mere earthly possesion like tampons. The temple authorities were happy to know that their holiness stands intact and the censor board decided to give the scissors a rest. All's well that ends well.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Umrao Jaan: Is the Remake necessary ?

While flipping between Beckham-Rooney's efforts at the goal between Ecuador defense at Stutgart and Saif-Preity's gyrating stunts amidst fire-breating extras at Dubai I caught a glimpse of J.P. Dutta's forthcoming Umrao Jaan. Needless to say the over-hyped Ms. Rai lives upto her expectation of perfecting the wooden looks while delivering the opening lines. The male lead Abhisek Bachchan decided not to be outdone by his beloved and decided to take the race to the looks department by sporting a doped rockstar hairdo. The end product of this idiocracy is a deadly combo of a wooden ballerina and a bad wigged scare-crow trying to recreate one of the finest movies of Indian film history.

Having all the time in this universe to ponder upon the unsolved mystries of Bollywood my latest puzzle is : Why today's screwed up dumbos need to recreate the classics of yesterday ? Is it because they feel the treatment of the script could be more justified by the advanced new movie making technologies available to them ?

But nobody wants to rewrite Othello just because Mr.Scott Adams added the word "humongous" to the English vocabulary.

And nobody also wants to repaint the Mona Lisa becase Da Vinci didn't have photoshop software to lift Naomi Campbell's arched eyebrows on his creation's face.

Then why do the brain-dead directors want to have a go at yester years blockbusters with their new found technologies ?

A remake of special effects based King Kong could justify the use of new technologies. Sci-fi movies are the visual form human imagination and enhancing that experience with newer technologies is always welcome. I wouldn't mind in future if a 3-D holographic projector bring the image of shark in JAWS to life right in my drawing room provided they don't wet my house-owner's carpet with the obvious splashes.

Going by the same logic an armless Thakursaab kicking Gabbar mid-air in a gravity defying jump would certainly be a welcome from the usual Hindi stunts. And we can still hope in a remake of Qurbani, Firoze Khan will employ all his graphic designers to bring out the perfect facial expressions in otherwise a dead-pan lookalike Fardeen Khan. Or going by his past records he might infuse some extra digital flesh to the bust of the leading actress without the usual Sushmita silicon route.

But of all movies Umrao Jaan doesnot have its share of magical aliens like ET, outsized primates like King Kong or wired stunts like Matrix. How Mr Dutta and his creative team will render the Muzaffar Ali classic to newer heights of viewing pleasure is something as mysterious as the leading lady's acting talent.

But as one of the Hindi movie villian taught me the truest of all truths is "Paisa bolta hain", there are always enough suckers like you and me who will crowd at the theatres to compare the copy to the original. And remakers like RGV, J.P. Dutta and Feroze Khan will laugh all the way to their banks with a remixed Gabbar laughter.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

SuperMan's Friday Outing

Since the super-heroes are rampantly hitting the movie theaters every alternate Friday thought of posting a long read Superman joke.

Superman feels sad on a Friday evening as he has no villian to thrash around. To cheer up he calls Spiderman and asks him to accompany him for a drink. Spidey politely denies saying that he has a date planned with Mary Jane. So Superman calls Batman who says Robin is having a fever and he's busy nursing his side-kick. Couple of calls to other superheroes ends up with the same result. Dejected he decides to fly alone. While passing by Wonder Woman's pad his X-ray vision finds her lying naked on her bed. He thinks of paying her a visit. But thinking about all his other experiences with the super community tonight, he decides against it. And then his dimmag ki batti does a flash. He thinks since I am able to fly like a bullet lemme just have a quickie with her and even before she'll realise I will be off to the moons. So he shoots like a rocket and whoosh he goes out finishing whatever he wanted to. Ahh another fruitful Friday he thinks while dodging a NASA satellite in the sky.

Back at the Wonderwoman's bedroom she asks the Invisible Man lying on her top "Darling what was that whooshing sound I heard just now ?".
The Invisible Man replies "Dunno...but I felt something was inside my butt for a second"!!

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Rights To Look Towards The Lefts

Atal Vihari occasionally wakes up from his slumber to distribute the pearls of wisdom among his camaraderie. This time he had asked his party-men to look towards the lefts to set things right.That way they might be able to learn a lesson or two about how to stay in power years and years to come. Atal-ji might have hit it at the right spot at the right time. One of the weird puzzles in present Indian politics is who is the principal opposition party of the nation. Is it the BJP sitting on the Opposition benches or the lefts who contribute the biggest chunk of MPs supporting the ruling government ?

Take any goddamned issue under the sun that UPA lays its hands on the lefts are ever-ready to fire their salvos much before BJP spokesperson can even jot down their press statements. Footage of Prakash Karat and Sitaram Yechuri delivering the gibberish beams across every alternate news channel at every alternate political intrigue. The principal opposition party sadly is missing in all these actions. It might be high time for the lotus worshippers to take a diet of the leftist crash course before they are lost into obscurity.

But however strong BJP tries to fight back unless they shift their priorities on their agenda list they will go down the lane. The reason lies in the very way that any other democracy works to protect the driving force of the respective nation : it's economy.

In every democracy there are different shades of politics for the people to rally their idealogies. While the rightists define the gripping conservative hardliners, the lefts are supposed to be the liberal, anti-establishment edge of the spectrum. In an hour of crisis either of these two shades of the political palette strikes as the exhaust passage to let the steam off the cookpot.

BJP rise to power was primarily fuelled by the economic crisis that marked the early years of the last decade. India was opening its economy to the world under the guidance of the then finance minister Manmohan Singh. The results would not be showing immediately but surely something was needed to instil the national pride, to make people believe that India also can do it. Who other than the rightists suited this role to bring back the order out the randomness of the whims and fancies of the Gandhi topi.

But once the economy stabilised and the sensex started leaping northwards, the hardliners might prove to be a threat to the investments. The Swadeshi essence always carried the potential reverse gear danger to a closed-door economy and was weighed as a too high risk to be taken. Logically the moderates will be best bet in the scenario when the boom of the economy surpasses expectations of the greatest of all sceptics. And thus we had the return of the Congress back to Delhi's corridors of power.

Even with the moderates running the country the economy does face hindrance. It faces blockades in the exasperation arising out of disparity that characterizes any free market-based economy. These angry voices can be best channelled across the intellectual leftist movement. They perfectly fit the role of maintaining the rebellious zeal with a promise of a volte-face as and when required.

The moderates and the leftists will mark the collaboration that will characterize the next few years of Indian political canvass till another economic factor changes this balance. Till then the lefts will be right and the rights might be left out.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Flick a horrrror

Many many moons ago the predator was on the prowl amdist the dark alleys of the out-skirts of the City of Botham to infuse the innocent virgin with the blood-thirst that will create the situations for a 3 hour odd movie. Yes clever readers, as depicted in the mother of all horror movies, “Purani Haveli”, the background score was complete the obvious howls lifted from the original Ramsay sound-track.The municipal authorities had been kind enough not to repair the leaking pipes that added the dripping water effect to the chill and suspense. Although it might be summer time but the set designer was resourceful enough to find truckload of dried leaves to be blown all over the set by the big pedestral fan. Being restricted by the meagre budget and not at their creativity the designer team had hung tar-coated gunny bags as the back-drop to be completed with flickering tiny bulbs that would create the vision of a starry night. The stench from the tar was strongly nauseous, but the intellegent director realised that due to limitations of the medium the viewers won't be rewarded with the sensation of this smell. So he asked the scriptwriters to add enough dialogues to make the audience puke their guts out. After immense satisfaction on the couch during the casting priliminaries the producer had made it clear to the costume department that the upcoming item number girl would get enough exposure to show her silicon talents before being killed on the screen. So the dress designer [famous for her eye for details] was herself scruntinising the blade-works by her two assitants on the skimpy tank-top were deep enough or not. Satisfied with her ingenuity the director finally rested his creative fat ass on the chair to call the shots only to realise minutes later that the missing part that was bothering him for so long was actually the sanity of the script itself. Brooding over for a moment he smiled at the conclusion that all great artwork dazzle the viewers of the inherent mere flaws. Did anyone notice the missing eyebrows on the smiling Mona Lisa ?

And then he shouted "LIGHTS...CAMERA...ACTION".

Friday, June 09, 2006

Headlines From Kashmir to Kanyakumarika

Headlines of the day via

Vinay Katiyaar, BJP's Mr. Scape-Goat grabs the headlines once again in Jammu-n-Kashmir [1]. This time he promises Rs 1 Lakh reward to any civilian who will kill a terrorist in JK. The last time Vinay Katiyar was in headlines was when he failed to save his deposit money at the Rae Baerli by-eletions. And before that it was when Vinay Katiyar tried to stirr up the Hindu sentiment after Varanasi bomb-blast and sadly realised the old communal tune is not catching up these days. Me thinks that all the three Kaityar headlines describes the route to the loony state of his mental affairs. Because of his deranged mood he seemed to be inspired by Kajol's fanatic role in Faana ? Time for Mr. Katiyar to see Dr. Modi for a thorough check-up.

Meanwhile before going to Tihar jail Rahul Mahajan claims that he is innocent and very ill [2] (hmm..still suffering from the hang-over I guess). Surely Mahanjan Jr. in all his innocence had only sniffed some white powder..... innocent toddlers do sometimes sniff Ponds Talcum powder or whatever they get in front of them as replacement. In case you are still confused of his innocence Mr. Naqvi assures us he is not like a terrorist whom you might want to kill to claim your lakh. Rahul dude there is nothing to be ashamed of . Just have a nice trip and get-over the hang-over. Daddy's colleagues are still confident that "one incident cannot be the yardstick for a person's dynamism and capability."

Another man claiming his innocence is Mr. Natwar Laal err Singh. He has sent a letter to the PM saying that "higher ups" in the government is trying to nail him and his son Jagat[3]. Were these the same "higher ups" responsible for putting his untinted name on the Volker report too ? Give him some more time and some more kicks in his butt I'm pretty sure Mr Natwarlaal will change his tone start singing "Pardeshiya yeh saach hain priya....saab kehte hain ke maine ghoos le liya....main kahta hoon ke tune ghoos de diya"

Further down in the heart of cow-belt, Lucknow, a tantrik allegedly appointed by Ganguly's family had performed some mumbo-jumbo that will ensure the former captian's comeback to the team[4]. Maybe since Godfather Dalmiya is himself in deep daal (soup) of controversies only hope that remains is blessings from the Saturn after 6/6/6. Well Mr. More and Mr. Chappel do you feel the needles pinched on your vodoo avatars ?

Down south in Hyderabad Prakash Karat urged that UPA should learn from the election in Bengal and Kerala about people oriented policies [5]. Good show Mr. Karat, can we now have privatisation of the airports in other parts of the country just like Kolkata ? Or like every other stone hurled at UPA this advice was only for the other members of UPA and doesn't apply to the leftist residents of the glass house ?

In the same meeting while WB Chief Minister, Buddadev Bhattacharjee, attributed the election success to the farmers his Kerala counterpart V S Achuthanandan claimed the support of women for the party had done the trick. Ahh, that's what I call a Ladies' Man !!