Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Before We Rejoice Jessica Laal Verdict

Excerpts from BBC report on "India's elite feel courts' heat"

Supreme Court lawyer Bharat Sangal cautions, however, that "two swallows do not make a summer".

He says in the Shibu Soren and Navjot Sidhu cases, the convictions are based on direct evidence, but in the Jessica Lal and Priyadarshini Mattoo cases, the high court depended on a lot on circumstantial evidence.

"The crucial test will come when the cases go into the Supreme Court as appeal. The Supreme Court generally does not give much importance to circumstantial evidence. The important thing then will be whether the highest court upholds these convictions or not," he said.

Interesting to know that the battle is half-won. Does the red-turban theory still stand a chance ? My bet is Jethmalani is already preparing for the final showdown.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Youth Curry to Miss Its Spice

We, the Hindus, are the most creative people on this goddamn earth and heaven. Even before the population of the earth reached this figure, we created the whole set of 33 crores gods just to make the lives of future mythologists miserable.

To celebrate our penchant for creativity we worship the biggest symbol of creativity : The Divine Phallus fornicating with the Divine Vagina. This image is otherwise known as Shiva-Lingam and seen in many mandirs across the length and breadth of the country.

Some creative smart-ass in JAM magazine had used the image of a Shiva-Lingam to pass on the following message on The World Aids Day : "Khada ho to Condom Chahiye" [ie. If it's erect you need a condom].

You must be smiling that muchki (mischevious for non-Bongs) smile and thinking to yourself what's so offensive about it. Allow me list down the top reasons that hit my creative mind immediately.

1. You are trying to choke up the very essence of creativity with a wrapping of latex. Have you ever wondered what will happen if the pressure building up inside ever burst out ? That's more than enough to bring the world to perils, you silly non-believer.

2. Where is the sensivity towards the erection-challenged folks you creative moron ? After all Manmohan and Arjun that tries their best not to chuck-off the minorities from any of national activities. Next time try to keep the entire population in mind while sending out anti-aids message or be prepared to face the minority wrath.

3. For a moment leave aside national pride and try to consider
the report on exported latex malfunction in Indian sub-continent conditions to be true. Then this seems to be another hatched conspiracy to demean the length and breath of our much worshipped divine phallus.

4. Don't preach something that is not 100% statiscally accurate without accompanying fine print to detail out the exceptions. Ask any guy who has vented his carnal desires with his own hands(ie. musterbated). You'll come to know only an erection doesnot gaurantee usage of the rubber.

Sadly these pearls of creative wisdom were not present in the jewellery set of the JAM editor. In a light-hearted humor she allowed the ad to be printed that offended people belonging to the above categories. Pretty soon someone took this matter to higher authorities saying that their precious fragile sentiments have been hurt.

When sentiments are hurt, it's a No-Mercy policy in India. Afterall we are a sentimental nation yaar...try playing with our sentiments and we'll burn the trains, pull down the statues until you do something to get our sentiments back to its intact state. Hardly left with any other choices, facing a non-bailable warrant, all Rashmi Bansal could do is to go under-the-ground in a Sita like effort to prove her innocence.

I'm hoping sooner or later she will be unearthed to her innocent glory. Whatever be the case, JAM has surely lost the "Just Another" epithet. Now it's more of a "Trust Another" Magazine till the editor returns back to her editing desk. Waiting for the spice in the Youth Curry to come back.

Update: She's back and blogging with a vengence while we Indians continue to appreciate our creativity by bowing in front of the Divine Phallus and doing our share of what is required to become the most populous country in the whole world.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Singur : Who will answer the unanswered questions

With heavyweights like Medha Patkar and her ilk joining the protest against land acquisition at Singur, Mamta Bannerji's movement seems to be gaining momentum. However as expected, what's missing from the movement is the agenda itself. After the Didi joined the movement and took it to bench-breaking heights with her grand show at the West Bengal Vidhansabha, we haven't heard anything as to what the farmers at Singur wanted.

No-one from her camp talked about what were the alternates that the opposition wants the government to consider. In fact there were hardly any dialogues between them about the issue other than news bytes thrown at eachother. All that is left of the movement now is Didi and her personal vendetta against the Left Front.

All that Mamta wants is to gain back her lost foothold in West Bengal politics. To do that all she needs to portray herself as the savior for the down-trodden. The draconian manner with which the government was acquiring agricultural land provided her the right opportunity for her to jump her guns. As the political battle-lines were drawn and swords are crossed, the major questions wherein lies the cause-remedy of the whole issue are receiving little or no attention.

How the entry of newer industry into the West Bengal will take place?
No answer yet.
Will a total back-bending posture ensure the flow of capital or shall we try to weigh the benefits and drawbacks of the proposals in the long term?
No answer yet.
Are the SEZ(Special Economic Zone)s the only way to go or there are alternatives ?

No answer yet.
How were the compensation package determined ? Why it was below the market price for these lands ?
No answer yet.
How will the balance between this newer industry and the people displaced take place?

No answer yet.

One of the reasons we need government machinery is to strike the balance between the capitalist greed and the welfare of the people. Left to them, capitalists would bend every rule in the book to boost the profits and outdo the competitors. That's where the checks and regulations by government are brought in so that in the long run it's a win-win situation of all.

The pro-people CPI-M seems to overlook some of these basic reasons that they justified their parliamentarian struggle as opposed to a revolutionary communist fight against the state. In their willingness to make the Sonar Bangla dream come true they are loosing the perspective of the bigger picture and its responsibility towards the people.

There's no point in denying that at its present economic scenario, West Bengal cannot afford to loose any capital that comes in. The state has lost its credentials a long time back and every effort spent now in regaining that should be applauded. It’s high time to shed away the dogmatism and militant protests and try to join the economic boom that the rest of India is enjoying.

Still what remains unchanged is that the government cannot turn back its face from those who will be displaced due to setting up of newer industrial zones. As the citizens of the state, we ought to know that why the fertile multi-corp yielding land in Singur was the only choice for this Tata factory. The government needs to reveal whether there were other alternative plots considered and what were the reasons for discarding them. Government also needs to disclose if there are any plans that it has to help the displaced farmers to resettle and find means of livelihood.

Unfortunately Buddha-babu and his fellow ministers have left an aura of mystery over these unanswered questions. That's the main reason why Mamta has able to hijack the movement and use it for her own welfare. Going by her past records of how she stood beside the evicted hawkers or the jute-mill workers, it won't be long she'll resort to even more violent tactics to attract more news byte. CPI-M will do what it does best - find an equally befitting answer with its cadres going on a rampage.

Lost amongst the logger-heads of the black-n-white of politics, the very reason for the movement the fate of the displaced farmers will hang on a thread that'll snap the moment Mamta sees another greater news-grabbing opportunity elsewhere. That's where it hurts the most and that's where concerned people dedicated to the cause should apply the balm. Sadly none of our present day politicians seem to fit the bill.

Update: It seems good sense is prevailing in Buddha camp over the compensation to those left jobless. Let's hope for a win-win situation for all, but as the sceptic part of me reminds its optimistic counterpart "If wishes were horses....."

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Theory of Circular Eventuality

Do you remember the circular conundrum of one hypothetical snake biting another hypothetical snake's tail and vice-versa. The frillion dollar question was as they continue their circular journey eating each-other what'll be left over at the end ? Unlike the case with Schrodinger's Cat where the choices were only the living and dead cat or both here the possibilities are like blend of different flavours that you can mix-n-match at your neighbourhood ice-cream parlour.

Considering that both the snakes are not consuming at the same rate it could either be parts of the first snake that remains or may be the second one. But if both has same rate of metabolism, then both of them could devour each-other leaving a big NULLness to be pondered upon. Or it would be also possible that the two snake-heads keep on playing catch-me-if-you-can along the circumference of their non-existant bodies for eternity till the entropy of the universe cools down a bit.

The same circular chain of events marks a year of blogging by yours truly. When I wrote my first blog post nearly about a year ago, the signs that made me feel "Oh Boy! it's been soooo long" kind of grumpy mood were :

1. Frailing Amitabh Bachchan carried away in a strecher
2. Lalu Yadav booted out of his sort of baap-ka-jagir Bihar
3. Ganguly unceremoniously thrown out of Team India

So with a grain or rather the whole pack of Tata Namak I sulked into my approaching middle years and started declaring at the drop of hat "You know in our times.....blah..blah..blah!!!"

But now that 06 is coming to an end and 07 lurking around the corners, I see that the tables are turned upside down.

1. Amitabh completed
23 scenes in five hours setting a world record and making me wonder has the human cloning already started.
2. Lalu Yadav
is invited by IIM-A as a guest lecturer to share his insights into how Indian railways proved again that Elephants Can Dance.
3. Ganguly makes a come-back into the national squad. Surprisingly this time it's not because of closed door meeting with Sharad Power or mambo-jambo by family tantrik, but because he is performing and is needed by the team.

May be as the hypothetical snakes continue to devour each other and the planet continues it's annual journies round the sun, we might find an answer to the conundrum. Till then these are the scoops of possibilities that my ice-cream cone would be filled with :

1. Amitabh continues setting up of newer acting records as the age-gap between him and the actress playing the heroine crosses the threshold of the age of his grand-daughter. In the meanwhile since there wouldn't be any more product left for him to endorse, the scientists will be encouraged to invent newer products. Afterall advertising is the mother of all un-necessary inventions.

2. Future economists and CBI sleuths under the stricter survillence of a non-UPA government will dig out that Lalu Yadav choreographed Elephant Dance was inspired more by Enorn's Ken Lay than IBM's Louis Gerstner. In a daring act to dream beyond IIM, another prestigious management institute that puts a phoney P between the initials of it's so-called rival would confer a honorary doctorate degree on Mr. Yadav for his P-skills.

3. With the correct proportion of gold and silver crushed with 52 rare herbs grown in Emami's greenhouse, adequte dosages of the Sona-Chandi Chawanprash will help Saurav Ganguly to display enough immunity against Proteas pace attack. But since scoring is all about offence rather than defence, the score-board will be brought to a stand-still. Suckers for conspiracy theory amongst Bong-biradari will come up with something really innovative and beyond Wisden's cricketing wisdom. To put things into perspective Mamta Banerjee will declare a strike in Kolkata as a protest and demand the CPI-M to take remedial action.

4. I would continue to blog about co-relation about relavent matters like exhaust of greenhouse gases after too much Rajma-Chawal consumption by Delhi's South Block residents and as a consequence the plight of the poor penguins at Antarctika.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Mid-Day Siesta And Bad Dreams

Middle of the day is the time when usually the unemployed can afford siesta in the comfort of their bed and the employed tries to duck behind their computers or other gadgets of convenience to catch a nap while pretending to work. Since one newspaper in Mumbai has been encouraging its army of reporters to sleep while they work, they call their paper "Mid Day". Only problem is that the sleeping @ Mid-Day after a typical Indian spicy lunch sometimes causes indigestion with acidic hiccups.

So what happens when you like a somnambulist with an acute case of indigestion walk err type while sleeping- your perspectives are all screwed up and you fart the loudest and filthiest. That's why if two persons sneeze in succession the reporter assume that since the first person sneezed first, the second person is merely a copy-cat and following the nasal cue from the first. In his sleep reporting style the bugger fails to realise that both of them might be suffering from the cold and having the same kind of irritation to a varied degree to sneeze first and second.

Anurag Kashyap and Pavan Kaul as their writings on PFC tells me are more than 100% dedicated in their passion towards movies. Read their posts and you can judge for yourself that both are equally in love with their creative sides. And nothing is more joyous to passionate film-makers than to be in touch with other folks who share the warmth about the celluloid world in the same way they do. That's the reason both of them are now writing regular posts on the new-found adda of filmdom ie. PFC. Only difference was Anurag came on-board much earlier to Pavan.

But what signal Mr. Somnambulist @Mid-Day gets from these chain of events ? His reading that Pavan is merely xeroxing Mr. Kashyap and justifies that too with his own medical diagnosis.

"Kashyap is a self-proclaimed blogger and shares his personal accounts of moviemaking with others because it's therapeutic. We wonder what kind of illness Kaul needs therapy for. Could it possibly have anything to do with that disastrous flick, Shhhh….? "

Its high time someone slaps the reporter tightly and wakes him up from his slumber @Mid Day. Will someone please do the honours.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Research work Ornithology Dept,JU

A very well documented research work from the Ornithology department of my alma-mater. Hope avid bird-watchers like me will enjoy it as much I did.

Only two points of criticism to satisfy the Taran Adarsh in me :
1. Wouldn't a Bengali number been more suitable in the background ?
2. Why the Satyam-Sivam-Sundarm bit at the end ?
Reminds only of the DD logo . Or was it a subtle reference to the RK banner movie of the same name that was overflowing with the OOOMPH factor. Huh!!

ps: In case the embedded video-player doesn't open, try clicking
the link instead.Worth a dekho.

Update: The link is not working. Possible speculated reason could be the video might have been removed as it was filmed without the consent of the girls. Gimme some more time...will try to find something else to entertain my dear readers.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Diary of Anurag Kashyap

If you are a movie fanatic who eat-drink-sleep movies then leave aside whatever you are doing and click on this photo to your left .

It's Anurag Kashyap , the angry young man of movie-making writing his experiences of making his next movie "NO SMOKING".

Go and find out what the Bollywood looks from inside out and what a director goes through in making of a movie.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Bye bye Pundit-Moshai.

A part of my daily routine, checking for newer blogs with newer topics have been centered around DesiPundit, the one-stop-shop for desi blogs. Day in, Day out Patrix, Kaps,Vulturo, Ash, Neha and others had been bringing us links to the latest and maybe the greatest of the desi blog activities of the day across the globe. Just like an old Bong habit of reading Anandabazar for better secretion of digestive juices, DP had also become a routine, missing which meant something hasn't been done today.

But now I have to discard that and need to look for alternatives. Because Patrix and company have decided to pull the plug on DP. It's very always sad to see someone go, but just like all others aspects of life we will learn to live with it. A BIG THANK YOU to all the DP editors for taking time out of your busy schedules to entertain us for so long. Desi Blogosphere will miss you and so will I.

Wish you guys all the best.

ps: Now that bloglines will be clogged with subscriptions from desi blogger does anyone know of any other alternatives ?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Singur : Early Symptoms of the Disesase

The early symptoms of the uneven growth have started at Singur. It's like snatching the box of chocolates from the child and give it to the bully. To compensate the child do get a lollipop to suck at. What happens next, child keeps on sucking the lollipop till it finishes and then starts crying while looking for another box of chocolates. Knowing the chocolate-boxes don't come free, the child learns to steals them. Mr. Bully keeps on bullying as usual....nothing changes except for the fact that we taught the child to steal.

Long long time ago there used to be fisheries across the vast expanse of land, what now is known as Salt Lake, the most coveted piece in Kolkata's real estate map. All the lands were accquired by displacing the fisherman and other related professionals in that area. They were pushed back to nearby villages like Bantala, Chingrighata and likes.

In due course of time these villages became the one of the most crime-prone areas nearby Kolkata when the displaced villagers took up to petty crimes and then went onto bigger things. Does the name of Anita Dewan, a health worker raped and murdered in broad daylight on the streets of Bantala ring a bell ? Such was the crime rate in those areas, that I remember a friend of mine who happened to an US citizen staying in Kolkata got a letter from US embassy advising him to avoid going to those places.

And what happened to the female folks who had excelled in handicrafts like knitting the fishing nets and such-alike? Left with no other option, they became the major source of constant supply to the domestic help required in the Salt Lake's posh colonies. But so long as the real estate prices in Salt Lake kept on shooting up, we placed garlands after garlands on the statue of Dr. B.C.Roy.

As they correctly say
all that glitters is not gold!!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

How Green Was My...Err Their(?) Valley

The guy masterminds an attack on the Parliament. The guy is tried and is sentenced to death. The public life is brought to a standstill by protests demanding mercy for the sentenced. If this all sounds familiar, no I am not talking about Mohammed Afzal Guru but Shaheed-e-Azam Bhagat Singh. The irony of the similarity between the two situations makes us once again stand in front of the mirror to have a second thought.

Personally I have little reason to believe that the same court that had dismissed charges against S A R Geelani, another suspect in the attack, had some jaati-dushmani with Md. Afzal Guru to award him life sentence. The charges and evidences were strong enough for the Judge saab to pronounce such a sentence. But leaving aside the merits-demerits of the case the greater question is why the major part Kashmiris are all rallying behind the cause of Guru's pardon?

The act of attacking the parliament which happens to be the central institution of Indian democracy can be broadly equated to an attack on the democracy itself. So why do the people of Kashmir that happens to be an integral part of India is protesting against the sentence of someone who tried to smash the foremost institution of democracy ? The CM of Kashmir, not be overdone by his opposition's grand show of support for Afzal, joins the bandwagon. The man who had takem the oath to upheld the Indian constitutional democracy and the country's sovereignity goes on to pleads clemency for someone who tried to attack the very symbol of Indian democracy. This is happening only and only because this issue is closer to the hearts of the Kashmiri people. To sway aside this sentiment of the Kasmiri common public as a part of cheap political gimmick will be the bluntest argument.

On the other hand pardoning Afzal Guru's death sentence might have dire consequences. We might see a deja-vu of the compelling situation that led to Masood Azhar's liberation and subsequent creation of JeM and then loss of further lives. To let this guy remain in prison will bring nothing more than further attempts from his jihadi comrades, who need his planning capability for their own cause of destruction. And who knows already plans are being chalked out for the next AI plane hijack.

To show mercy to the killer of the guards at the parliament who died fighting would be an insult to their brave sacrifices. Knowing the Catch 22 situation Congress is facing from UPA partners and oppostion in this issue they might do something very very silly. Whatever they do, they cannot evade the greater task at hand, that is to bring back the majority of Kashmiris to Indian mainstream. The terrorists don't constitute the entire population of Kashmir. They are as we are to believe only a small fraction of people funded by hostile foreign power(s). We truly need to find out why the other sections of people in Kashmir, the ones not supporting terrorism, are displaying in this un-patriotic(!) behaviour?

The valley that the poetic Mughal emperor once described as the Heaven on Earth has been painted with blood with bullets from terrorists, Indian army, Pakistan army all having nearly equal share. It’s high time for the netas at Delhi Durbar to put on their thinking caps and rethink on Kashmir policies. If and only if we succeed in cultivating the strong nationality feeling among Kashmiris in contrast to allienating them with our high-handedness, then only we can claim that Kashmir is an integral part of India.

Otherwise what has started with the movement for pardoning Md. Azfal Guru's sentence will grow on onto something greater and graver that might threaten to redraw the border-lines of India. Need to act now and need to act fast.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Can You hear the Dhaks beating Dhang-kur-kur ?

With every other Bong bloggers blogging about Dugga-Pujo, my blog yesterday came out of my screen and threatened me with these exact words "You lazy bum, get up and type a 1000 words about Pujos. You know how much my click rates have gone down in recent time .Earlier at least I used to get hits from your home computer IP. Even that has stopped. Life is so pathetic to be stuck with you...if was not for the older posts I would have given up hanging to this URL"

Before I could ask my blog whether it's been listening to my wife's enlightening words of wisdom missiled at me, it simply crept back to the cyber world to cling onto its sole cyber possession the blogspot URL. So to make a truce I'm finally typing about Durga Puja, the Mardi Gras of Bong heartland.

I first thought of writing the Standard X type essays soaked with nostalgia that'll make you buy the next air-ticket to Kolkata. And the next moment you'll be clicking on my Google Ad sense ads for cheap fares to Kolkata bringing me money. But since I don't have ads at the moment I decided to drop the idea. Instead lemme share you some trivia about Durga Puja.

Did you know that the clay required for building the idol has to be mixed with bit of mud procured from prostitute's house. Oh you already knew that!! Sala Bhan-saali, you had to show that in that when-will-it-end movie Devdas. And then just with the name of Devdas a chord strikes my brain (yeah it can be painful when it strikes).Let me tell you about one of the colorful characters among the many in Calcutta's Pujo circuit. And before you ask what Devdas has got to do with these people, the answer is well on these festive days this guy let's call him PD( Pooja Devdas) was just as sober as Devdas was.

PD lived in the some distant suburbs of Kolkata. To reach those places you had to travel in those fully packed local passenger trains from Sealdah. And to stand inside the train compartments you need to do some really flexible feats that might have made the Elastic Man proud. The reason I am saying all these things just to imply PD was a simpleton and was not so accquinated to the ways of life in a big city.

So one Durga Puja PD comes to Kolkata, get drunk with none-else but me and together we go out for Pandel hopping. For those who are from Kolkata they might know during the Durgapujas the Ekdalia Road has a No-Entry sign for vehicles to make it easy for the pedestrians. We had reached this place when I suddenly remembered that I need to buy cigarettes.

I went to the trusted Oriya paan-ka-dukandar opposite to Laxmi Sweets leaving PC there alone. Even I was drunk too and swayed by my camaraderie I spent around 8-10 minutes asking about how this guy’s family is doing in Orissa. I enquired whether they suffered in the last cyclone and did they receive the relief from the government and if they are not they should start a movement and send a petition to the PM himself. The guy was patient enough not to kick me out from his shop at that busy hour.

Suddenly I hear an angry authoritative voice shouting "Aare sala I told you hundred times this is not for the pedestrians...only for cars...you can go". I look back and see PC is in a heated argument with the police constable about the NO-ENTRY placard placed in the middle of the road. His point of view was that sign is quite misleading as thousands of people walking to the pandels might think that sign meant for them and take a detour creating more chaos. I had to employ all my strength to pull PD from that place just moments before the constable lost his cool and charged at PD with his only armor : his well oiled cane-stick.

PD was quite moved by my attempt to help him to escape the arms of the law. So as we were approaching Maddox Square he told me "Bishu you my true friend....for you I can do anything....even place my bogol (ie. armpit in Bengali) on the tram-tracks....errr I mean my neck !!". His intention showing his comradeship by laying down arm-pit before the tram wheels nearly brought tears to my eyes.

Just as I was searching for my hankerchief to wipe my eyes, three things happend :
1. Heard a "Tong" sound as if some body had a bang on collision with something metallic
2. Saw PD lying at the foot of the lamp-post nursing his forehead which had immedietly swelled.
3. A group of girls standing nearby broke out into maddening fit of laughter.

I looked at PD. He had a pitiful smile on his face. "It's not really my fault.With so many beautiful girls around I didn't see the lamp-post in front", was his defence.

PD is now well settled some place Mid West in US. I hope he doesn't debate a traffic cop out there about another traffic sign. They might confiscate his license. And PD please don't crash into a lamp-post while checking out some hot blondes around. Your insurance plan might not cover the damages. But I know that would never happen.

Because US Mid-west is no Kolkata at Durgapujas.These things can only happen only in that enchanted city in that enchanted time. Only then you find friends willing to sacrifice their armpits for you at the drop of the hat. Only then people loose sight of the lamp-post in front, because the surrounding is so provocative that it jams your sensible sense organs. Only then even the otherwise authoratative cop also finds ten minutes worth of patience explaining an un-initiated the meaning of NO-ENTRY sign-board. That's what Durgapuja means in the heart of Bongland. Wear the best clothes, Have the best food, Be at your best, And never forget to get crazier at times. Insanity sometimes becomes a virtue in an otherwise painstakingly black-n-white sane world.

Enjoy the Durgapujas to the beating of the dhaks (Bengali version of drums). Can you hear them beating "Dhang-kur-kur...Dhang-kur-kur" !!

Monday, September 18, 2006

A Hypothetical Question Or A Hypothetical Idiot?

The PM of India seemed to be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome when he was bowled over at Havana by his Pakistani counterpart's strong-willed gesture of fighting terrorism.

Speaking to reporters who accompanied him on his visit to Brazil and Cuba aboard Air-India One on Sunday night, Dr Singh said, "General Musharraf has assured me that Pakistan has no hand in perpetuating terrorist acts in India. He asked me not to go into the past, to forget whatever has happened in the past and to let us work together in the future." [source]

Is General's assurance is truer than your own intellegence reports ? Or did Mush waved his magic wand to sweep all the terrorist churning factories whose sole aim is to create furore in India. Forgetting the past will be easier but are we going to forget the lessons from the past as well.

Asked if future terrorist attacks on Indian soil would endanger the peace process, Dr Singh said, "Let us not deal with such hypothetical questions. I cannot say we have got security for our country forever. Life is much more complicated, it is not black and white. We have made an attempt to solve the problem, therefore let us not get into hypothetical questions." [source]

If the PM considers future terrorist attacks on Indian soil as something hypothetical then why was he alerting the nation about future possible attacks a couple of weeks back. Sirjee, you seem to catch up your predecessor Bajpeyi's forgetfulness but somehow this time it looks more of a concious effort rather than effect of old age and alcohol that had taken a toll on the most non-eligible batchelor of Indian politics. Everyone knows that the next attackers are lurking somewhere and only waiting for the right oppurtunity.Even the naivest of all wouldn't rule out that situation as hypothetical. But in naivity you seem to defeat us all.

On dismantling the terror structure in Pakistan, Dr Singh said, "We will discuss all the issues. Let us not jump the gun. Let this mechanism be in place. We will explore all the ways with which we can rid the subcontinent of the scourge of terrorism." [source]

As they say it was clear as mud.If you are not jumping the gun now after two simultaneous blasts at Mumbai and Malegaon when will you do that. What is the mechanism you are thinking about putting in place other than strongly asking our neighbours to hand over the wanted ones and shut down the terrorist churning factories. If you are not already in the process of exploring the ways then when are going to do that? Are we still waiting for the next blast ? Or will that be a hypothetical situation ?

"We had a very sincere, frank discussion on all issues," the prime minister said, speaking for the first time about his latest encounter with the Pakistani leader. "President Musharraf recalled what I had stated -- that the borders cannot be redrawn -- and his statement that they (Pakistan) cannot accept the Line of Control as a permanent solution. I believe that we should work in all sincerity out of the box, to deal with the situation.". [source]

Seemed to be too impressed that Gen. Mush has a memory of an elephant recalling what you stated last time to the exact words. Time for you to take some lessons at memory games from the General but then again you are also the one who urges us to forget the past and may be its lessons as well.

At the end of the day your speech conveyed nothing except weasel words just like the captain addressing the crew in a sinking boat. It's just the right kind of script for a leader who either has no clue about the depth of the situation or is simply trying to pass the buck. Only at these times we hear cliches like "Thinking out of the box" while the time-bombs inside the Pandora's box keeps on ticking.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Gadget Tag

Twisted DNA, in his twisted witty style ended his last post by passing the Gadget tag at yours truly. Rules of the game are simple enough : I got to come up with three gadgets that I dream of even when I am wide awake. Regular readers of this blogs ( yes I know you are even rarer than the pink unicorn and is yet to be classified in animal kingdom) will know that me and gadgets are not the best of pals. But anyway since that was an archived blog post tucked historically somewhere after Salman Khan spent two days in chakki pissing the jail-ki-atta and before Krissh marked the advent of superheroes in Indian screen, I wouldn’t start my dukh-bhari-kahani again.

Instead let me tell you what I think is the purpose of gadgets in general. It is a device operated by mechanical force or electricity aimed at becoming an extension to the human capability of performing tasks otherwise restricted by limitations of human anatomy. Now that’s what I call Bullshit Bingo. Ok coming back to plain Angrezi : gadgets are supposed to help me in my struggling lifestyle in an otherwise zaalim duniyah. In short help me to elongate my abilities to overcome my short-comings in every possible way.

My prime short coming is forgetting the door keys. Believe me I vouch upon Mallika Sherwat’s non-existent pallu that it’s been three times I had been locked out of doors. First time I spend a night on a sofa at a colleague’s place. Next time I borrowed a hack-saw to cut through the Godrej tala.I had to do a lot of explaining to the new security guard in the complex until a kind hearted neighbor identified me as the rightful tenant of the flat. Third time I didn’t take any chance so I spend a night in a Rs. 500 hotel room with attached bath.

Not to be caught in similar locha fourth time I made 4 copies of my house key. I gave one to my neighbor , one I left with the shopkeeper in the stationary shop opposite to my house , one was locked inside my office drawer and the other attached to the key ring of my bike keys. Later in job life when somebody appreciated a disaster recovery plan I prepared, I surely knew where I learnt my lessons from.

So my first fancy gadget would be a door that opens to only at my command. For anyone else who can remember the exact date Babur invaded India and thereby by the virtue of his memory not loose his keys single time it will act different. Impressed by memory retention capacity it might even allow its hole to be probed by steel key belonging to such a guy.But for me it should never ask for mere earthly possesions like a key.

To add to security from my voice-alike I would program it to open the doors to me only and only if it recognize me singing “O(NNNNN)h Huuuuuuu(NNNN)zur……ter(NNNNN)aa suroooo(NNN)r “ in my nearly perfect imitation of Reshmiya’s nasal effort. Surely the imposters cannot beat me in that. And yes I admit in front of all of practicing this song every time I sit on the comode seat. The passage of strong air current in nasal cavity really helps in the morning traffic and believe me you can download at zooming broadband speeds.

My second fancy gadget would also compliment my another skill at loosing : Umbrella. Since you know umbrellas are meant to be lost I don’t feel that guilty. But once in a while it is worth bringing back home. That however reminds me the story of a gentleman who had similar traits of character.Every time he took the umbrella outside he would loose it somewhere. Upon returning home he would be shouted at by the other half for his forgetfulness. So one fine day he is determined and finally comes home with the umbrella in his hand held up high in full glory like a trophy won. But to his utter surprise he still gets the same amount of daily rebuke. On asking “But why” the wife replies “You hadn’t taken in umbrella from the house in the morning…and may I know whose ladies umbrella are you holding in your hand now?”

My second fancy gadget is an umbrella that never lets itself go from your hand. The way it would work is every time I leave it back somewhere it would sing to me in the same dard-naak tone as Lata sang “Na jao re saiyaan…churake baiyaan”. And I guess I am not so cold-hearted to leave such a longing companion behind.

My third gadget would certainly have to be a way of restricting my over-spending. Even if I go to a 7-11 in the night to buy a bottle of beer and a pack of cigarettes some how I fail to restrict myself to the charm of articles assorted on the shelves or freezer. Now if a tiny 7-11 shop can have this effect on me think how helpless I am when left between alleys and alleys of unwanted articles in a super-market.

I desperately need something that can at the same time check my saving account balance, check at the ration stock at my house, can communicate with my better half and obtain her approval before allowing me to grab that Buy 1 Get 1Free scented matchstick box with a free WWF card. In case it fails any one of the above mentioned checks it would simply sing to me “Naahi naahi abhi nahi….abhi karo intezer”.In case my determination doesnot succumb to the lyrical advice the machine should cling to my wallet covers with its teeth. That would certainly make it qualify as a Blue-tooth gadget.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Of Mumbo-Jumbos and Dumbos

Just when the samples of salty sea-water turned sweet were undergoing chemical analysis at the labs, somebody decided to play a time-tested trick of milky miracle. And before you could utter "deja-vu", hordes of idiots are thronging at the temples to witness vanishing milk inside the mouth of the idols.

"It is amazing; Lord Ganesha drank milk from my hands. Now he will answer all my prayers," said Surama Dasgupta, a middle-aged woman in Kolkata" [source]

What a wonderful philosophy we have infused amongst Indians who inhibit a country that runs not on petrol nor coal nor nuclear energy but the silver-tonic fuel otherwise known as bribe. Now you can directly feed the gods to fulfill your wish-list and if you don't the divine one wouldn't lend an ear to your utmost prayer. Doesn't this version of God is in close resemblance with other makers-n-breakers of your fate like the clerk at the government office ?

Personally I have no problem with these moronic creatures who masquerade as human beings crowding the places of worship and holding a spoon of sudh-taaza-dudh as offering. But a waste of precious gallons of milk and even more rarer common-sense down the drains do incite a little bit of Tch-Tch from me.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Monday Evening Blues

Finally after requests from good friends I joined Orkut and decided to add some realistic shock by putting my own photograph instead of the Bolly Khans. Ever since I am being bombarded with scraps expressing their astonishment at my accumulation of blubber over years of gym-boycotted leisurely life. I guess my journey across mouth savouring Bengali-Marathi-English-Continental-Chinese-Malay cusine over the years and refusing to burn-off the fatty part has finally paid off. From a 55 kg college kid I can now throw all the 75 kgs of my middle-aged weight on weighted matters such as foreign policy of Togo and its impact on global politics.

Speaking of weighted issues the most pressing one catching the present MSM buzz seems to be marital infedility. It all started with Koffee vendor KJo decided about his venture of depicting true life problems in his down-to-earth helicopter landing signature style. This time it was all about loving other peoples' spouses, a glycerine soaked saga of unhappy married folks finding solace in a lil bit of EMA(extra-marital-affiar). And when you team up all the crore plus pay-cheque drawing Bolly biggies whose histronics range from hamming of the tongue to jamming of the neurones, people are bound to shake up.

So now we have the simple minded folks from Kashmir to Kanyakumarika debating about the eye-opening epic depiction of new-found love. As
reported one of the converts even took his other half to the theatre hoping for a change of heart over his EMA efforts. Unfortunately the other half was not so convinced and the poor hubby was forced to use bullets to make her see the holy Karan teachings.

Actually other peoples' spouses are just like the food on the other person's plate in a resturant.In fact one of the best compliments that a hubby came up while describing his wife was "You look so much like someone else's wife". Unfortunately the wife failed to appreciate this gem of a compliment in the story I read. So as I was telling the food always looks more delicious when it is on the other side. And other people's spouse looks equally dazzling in the arm-candy of the legally married one.

Do a switch over, take them home and you will soon discover that when it comes to maintainance problems the new ones have all the past records that compelled you in the first place.In fact the upgrade might introduce some newer additions to the list of ever-growing complications to be tackled in your life time. I guess all these words of wisdom will be aptly zoomed to you in another down-to-earth speeding Ferrari in the sequel to the epicsique KANK. I hope that the story-line is already being scripted in the talented Ms. Bhatija's mind. My bet is with KJo's K fixation (does he and Ekta Kapoor goes to the same numerologist ?) the name will be Kabhi Interchange Na Karna or KINK. Surely that would mark the growing up of Kandyfloss Karan Kid.

ps: On a weekend wasted by partly office work, partly by Corporate watching whose main protagonist should've been named Fishi-gandha instead of Nishi-gandha, I was quite impressed by watching The Gangster. Were there any other Sherlock Holmes like me who read between the scenes when Emraan Hashmi leisurely opened his leather jacket before diving from the boat to save a drowning Kagna.No wonder in the end a man who surely loves his leather jacket more than a drowning Ms.Raut would turn out to be traitor. Hopefully next weekend my faith in Hindi movie directors would be savoured by a deserved Omkara watch. Have to check Hindi movie stores in little India for the CDs.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

A nation's journey through 59 years : What next ?

For an individual 59 years would mean a lifetime experience of love, friendship, betrayal , death and the other shades of the spectrum of life. For an organization 59 years would mean the mature time when it sees itself propelling towards future based on the momentum gained during the growing past years. But what would 59 years mean for a nation ? It’s too short time in the pages of history where a decade is dedicated at the most a chapter or two.

As a nation we carry historical baggage dating from the Gupta era when Hinduism shaped itself distinct from the prevailing Sanatan religion of the Aryans, absorbing incessant attacks from Western frontiers and ultimately absorbing its attackers into its fold that reached its peak in the glory of the Mughals to the last 200 years of colonial rule. So even before 1947 when India declared itself to be an independent nation its characteristics traits were shaped long back in history. Only thing that was in suspense was how we would carry our heavy luggage down the lanes of future.

Looking back at the last 59 years as a nation we seem to see almost all. As they say in detective stories follow the money , if we see the nations economic history it has seen the Nehuruvian socio-economics, the license raj of Indira to an IMF scripted turnaround by opening itself to the world and suddenly finding itself amongst one of the largest growing economies. Indian IT industry pioneered the emergence of Indian companies which was reflected in the manufacturing and service sector as well. Some of it was an outcome of a conscious effort and some of it happened because it was destined to happen.

In our growing years of democracy we saw the fading importance of rule by a political party with a national base. We saw the black emergency years when Indian democracy choked itself in the same hands it was supposed to be freed. Luckily the situation didn’t prevail for long. Slowly the emergence of regional parties brought about the concept of coalition government. In an utopian situation this scenario would have been applauded as regional agendas would be weighted with the same importance as the national one. Unfortunately in India politics is meant to be largely vote bank based. And if the largest section of the voters are illiterates then democracy is dragged down to be a mere comedy of arm-twisting and ass kissing.

During these journey we saw ourselves engaged in war too with our neighbors. Fortunately nearly every time we were able to maintain our sovereignty although the costs were sometimes too high. But the in-depth analysis of the weaknesses and preventive as well as remedial actions are still in the to be done list.

The 59 years is also marked with partionist and communal movements ranging from demand for separate states to separation from the state as well. Most of them started within the foray of parliamentarian politics and later emerged as a battle against the state. Gradually they lost the very essence of their cause and everybody interpreted the cause with their own understanding and resorted to terror tactics. A part of the fuel to the fire was supplied by international war-mongers in pursuit of future of weapon business. The net result is that till date India has been the biggest sufferer in the era of global terrorism. What started from neglected north-eastern backyards to the over-protected valleys of Kashmir reached the heart of the nation. Now we are used to the fact that the next big bomb blast could happen anytime.

Each of the last six decades of our national life had its own flavor, unique aspiration, characteristic problems and their solutions. The next decade could be marked with the undomitable aspiration of being big. But that aspiration would be hindered with fighting terrorism home and abroad and the growing disparity of the rich and poor , the gap which will be widened day by day of these non-uniform progress. All these will go parallel with the obvious degeneration of the politicos until someday somebody decides to do something very very drastic.

But one thing will never change. What started as a dream to reach for the skies and was minimized to a mere survival was able to turn around and is now being looked by the remaining world as the probable next big thing. The promises the nation holds to its future citizens will manifest themselves in reality is still the big question. But the momentum has already given the extra push in the inertia. Only if we could ride on and propel the acceleration in the right direction another decade from now on another prouder Indian will be writing about even glorious seventh decade of the nations history.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Not a drop to drink....

I always failed to comprehend the fact why the authorities always say that pesticide found in colas are beyond allowed limits. Does that mean if pesticide quantity is within limits cola then that give the cola companies enough rights to sell their stuff? Is it necessary to add the pesticide in colas to get the extra fizz ?

The cause of worry in colas is a chemical known as Lindane. This chemical used as a pesticide "is volatile with roughly 90% entering the atmosphere and ultimately being deposited in rain."[Wikipedia source]

"CSE experts claimed to have found that the levels of Lindane, a confirmed carcinogen, were more than 54 times above the BIS (Bureau of Indian Standards-ed.) limit." [source]

So the main source of Lindane in colas is nothing else but the water used. But ain't the tap water in plants undergo any purification process ?
Despite spending shit-load of money on advertisements, signing new contracts with a new film-star every year, the cola companies are yet to come up with decent water treatment plants.

Net result is:

"Pepsi contains 30 times more pesticides, and there is a 27 times increase in pesticides in Coke compared to 2003" [source]

That is even more disturbing as if the amount of carcinogen has increased in colas by 30 times, how much more it has increased in our normal tap water ?

Our health minister who seem to be tackling Indian health problems via the silver-screen rather than in real life had appealed to the film-stars not to act in cola ads. Shall he now focus his attention back to where it is more needed.Reminds me of the scence in "Main Azad Hoon" where Azad tells the minister "Even after 40 years of independance you failed to give us clean drinking water.What can you give us now ?"

A year from now we will be celebrating 60-th anniversary of our freedom.Could Dr. Anbumani ensure us clean aerated water devoid of cancer causing chemicals and cleaner drinking water too.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Victory of Evil Over Good : The Show Must Go On

One of the yardsticks for a successful politician is how easily you can hide your emotions behind the umpteenth rehearsed smiling face. Every time George Bush embraces Tony Blair he must be thinking "Dammit, this guy has a real funny accent. I better ask Condi for a translator". Blair on the other hand must be thinking "Jolly good heavens, how long I will have to bear with this nutty bloke who keeps smiling at whatever I say". But if you look at their faces all you see is a gleaming grin running from the left ear to the right symbolizing their strong bond of friendship. In short to be a good Neta you got to be an equally good Abhineta.

But our WB CM has always miserably failed in the emotion control department.Take that Dushomoy (Bad Times) incident in the mid 90-s. He was disillusioned by the functioning of the party and he put down his papers. Then like all literary aspiring Bengali he takes up the pen and writes a script criticizing the government called Dushomoy.If I am not wrong some CPI-M big-shots were even present in the opening show also.May be because the box office returns were not very encouraging or CPI-M think-tank was able to brainwash him the second time, finally Buddha brat returned back to Allimuddin Street.

Ever since he has been quite vocal about his dislikes despite of the strong discipline practiced within CPI-M. But he has always been the ideal portrayal of a middle class intellectual Bengali who reads Kafka, listens to Robindro-songit, watches Truffaut and smokes his cigarettes, all just the right way any average Bengali would do. Also he is honest to the core and is not afraid to do things differently, brains at Alimuddin Street always want to project him as the leader of the Bengalis.

Like all Bengali bhodroloks Budha-babu is passionate about the game of cricket and Saurav Ganguly's cricketing career. And when a Bengali gets passionate about anything , there is no stopping him except for hot rosogullas or smoked hilsa marinated in mustard sauce. So he sets himself on a jihad against the biggest kaafir of cricket who happens to be none else than the crafty CAB head our own Jaggu-dada.

CMs mission and vision narrowed down to save the CAB from the clutches of power hungry Jagmohan Dal-main-bahut-kuch-kaala-miya. He asks his trusted candidate Prasun Mukherjee, Kolkata Police Commissioner to send Dalmiya packing for his tirth-yatra from cricket administration. The battle plans are laid and swords are drawn at each other. The Calcutta media is the happiest to find day-to-day updates filling up news print or TV slots in otherwise a dull moment for news across the state.

To add to the twist, veteran Jyoti Basu and sport minister Subhas Chakraborty (whose contribution to Bengal sports has been organizing pop shows on sports ground) openly backed Dalmiya instead of the CMs candidate. Dialectics between old CPI-M and new CPI-M added more masala to the event. And when things are related to cricket can Kolkata's cricket price Sourav be left behind.

From the day he was dropped from the national team he had been trying to make a comeback by doing anything and everything other than scoring runs. From closed door meetings with Sharad Pawar to hiring tantrik for performing voodo magic he did anything that is written or yet to be written in the book. They say when you are facing bad times your judgement gets clouded. It's happening with Sourav too. His version of writing on the wall was that the chain of events would ensure Dalmiya's vanaprastha.

He immediately jumps his guns and issues a statement against Dalmiya, saying that among the things Dalmiya destroyed during his tenure at BCCI one was Sourav's cricketing career. I am not sure how it happened but may be Dalmiya as BCCI president must've assured that so long as he is in power Dada didn't need to concentrate on his cricketing skills to be in the team. Sourav must've since then stopped practicing to improve widely known and even widely exploited cricketing weaknesses. But immediately after Dalmiya was shown the way from BCCI HQ, Sourav was dropped from the team too. Thus the crafty cricket administrator destroyed the illustrious career of perhaps the greatest of Indian captains till date.

Although Budhadev literally left no stones unturned, Dalmiya, whom his predecessor ICC chief Malcolm Gray has described once as the man to be careful about, still had the trump card carefully concealed inside his sleeves(although most of the times he wears a sleeveless shirt). The night before the elections he pays a visit to the most colorful man of Indian politics, our rail minister Lallu P Yadav.

Lallu's cricket love starts from his chaddi-main-gilli-danda days in Bihar. Couple of years back his son was selected as the best player in the state by Bihar's cricket association headed by pappa Lallu. No eyebrows were raised because the award was presented by the then Bihar's CM herself, Ms Rabri Yadav. Since everything was in the family, I'm not sure whether the celebration took place in the family cow shed.

On that fatal night some deal must have been signed between these two cricket administrators, which is beyond my speculation and the fate of CAB was sealed. In the vote next day Dalmiya won a cut-throat finish leading by 5 votes of which 3 might've been from the different clubs owned by Indian railways.

Next day a disgruntled Buddha meets the press and declares this win as "Victory of evil over good" and vows that his agenda of the jihad would continue. A seasoned Dalmiya smiles and calls Sourav a "bachcha" (kid) and says he will do whatever he can to help the ex-captian's comeback. This could only mean in the game of cricket politics Sourav is yet to come out of his diapers and Dalmiya will get his revenge in due time. So to summarize the curtains of the drama is yet to be drawn and the plot assures of new twist and turns ahead.

Our worthy opposition at the parliament NDA who are yet to save their face from the yet to learn tol-mole-ke-bol Yaswant Singh's failed detective aspirations promises to present their share of the event. As if all the problems in the country are over NDA does a walk-out from the Loksabha asking Budhadev to be apologetic about his jihadi comments against Dalmiya.

Surely Indian politicians can any day beat the talented scriptwriters at Balaji Production up hail the motto of "The Show Must Go On".

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Next Time Ban the Pigeons Too

Just a few days after the pyre smokes in Bombay died out,the Indian government suddenly jumped into action to counter the jihadi terrorists. So far the items in the list that had been actioned upon are :
1. Releasing those very very similar identity toolkit pictures of the suspects.
2. A morose speech full of usual jibberish from a puppet PM.
3. Pointing fingers at our Islamic neighbours
4. Banning a couple of blogging sites like blogspot.com and typepad.com.

The official reasoning for implementing this blog-sites ban is still not very clear but has been speculated as something like this:
SIMI activists are using these sites for checking each-others health and welfare apart from spreading hate and anti-national sentiments.

The next question that jumps to mind is whether blogs were the prime mode of communication between the jihadi khalnayaks and would this ban cripple them. Considering this report not to be a figment of the reporter's imagination, it seems the khalnayaks are more dependant on the traditional methods like PCOs.

So my proposal to the Indian government is closing down all the phone lines in the country.Lacking their usual mode of communication the jihadis will resort to parchments concealed in talisman tied to gutar-gutar pigeons' feet.

While the terrorists will be shooing the feathered couriers by singing "Kabutar jah jah", our specially trained snipers can bring down the pigeons to decode the next bomb-blast location.

Pretty soon the skies of India will be free from jihadi kabutars and we will win our war against terrorism on the information front.

Mera Bharat Mahan !!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Biscuit Sneaker

The pantry of the office I work has these nice dabbas full of biscuits of various shapes and sizes. To make things even better they keep on recycling the brands every two or three days. I am told that empirical studies conducted at the Britania labs has shown that chewing biscuits leads to groundbreaking ideas and increase productivity. So everyday at around 6:30 pm I go the pantry armed with my coffee mug to fill it with the addictive steaming black liquid and grab a couple of biscuits to munch upon as I commence to solve the unsolved riddles of computing industry like how many browser windows can be simultaneously opened before my Win XP is stoned immaculate. Incidentally that is also the time when most of the mere mortals who are either much more competent than me in time-management skills or doesn't dare to realm into the unknown territories of complex task-solving pack their bags and leave for home to vote for the next Indian/Singapore/US idol. But today's visit was unique enough to feature in this coveted blog. As I am busy measuring that my creamer doesnot exceed from the prescribed amount by the last nano-gram there enters a Wally look-alike. Wally opens the biscuit tin, picks up an assorted collection of his favourite shapes and sizes. So far so good, nothing blog-worthy happens and I am engrossed in preparation of my concoction. Then he wraps them with a kitchen tissue and tucks them inside his bag and walks out whistling a tune that could have been from the Hindi number "Chori Chori Chupke Chupke".

I stand there with a cup of coffee and a dumb expression trying to figure out whether an IT engineer doesn't make enough money to buy a pack of biscuit ? Or is it that stolen biscuits send a soothing vibe across your neurones every time you take the bite? Or it is to do with the motto Free ka maal...dariya main daal.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Mumbai blasts : Why ?

Why did these people in Bombay had to die ?
What was their fault ?

Is it because they lived a peaceful live ?

Is it because they are Indians ?

Why ? Why ? Why ?

Please go to out http://mumbaihelp.blogspot.com/ if you could be of some help.
And pray for their souls and take a vow that their deaths shouldn't go unpunished.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Rip Van Winkle Wakes Up

There was this story of a real life Rip Van Winkle who got out of his coma after 20 long years. After reading the news I was thinking what must be that guy’s reaction to see the world around him. Personally I don’t remember much about the world 20 years back except for a few facts like climbing trees and breaking neighbour’s windowpanes with my cricketing ambitions. So let me cut the story short by another 10 years and try to figure out the conversation between Mr. Winkle and his attending doctor.

RVW: What's the latest going on in politics?
DOC: Not much, it’s pretty much same old stuff for the last few years. George Bush is still fighting war in Iraq with the English PM by his side.
RVW: OMG, that old fart-head is still the president and is still after Saddam's ass.
DOC: Err...no dude actually it's his son who's the president now.

RVW: Ok leave politics, tell me what's latest in fashion now ?
DOC: A lot has changed since you went to sleep. See the last trend was metro sexual. Now that's out, uber-sexual is in.
RVW: WTF what happened to the good old heterosexual fellas? Are they dead?
DOC: No they are still out there but not much in demand.

RVW: Tell me about the movies ...which film made it big at the Oscars last year?
DOC: Hmmm...it definitely was The Brokeback Mountain.
RVW: Who was the heroine? Is she hot?
DOC: No heroine in that movie...it was a story of two cowboys madly in love with each other.
RVW: Holy shit!!! Even the cowboys in bloody westerns have turned to faggots. Good that John Wayne died long before seeing all this crap.

RVW: Are the IT jobs still hot? Is Bill Gates still sucking millions out of the consumers?
DOC: All the IT jobs have now shifted to India and China while US is concentrating on what it does the best, fighting wars in Middle East. Bill Gates has joined hands with Warren Buffet. Together they are the two most celebrated philanthropists in the planet.
RVW: Are you kidding?

DOC: I seriously hope that I was kidding.But sorry dude,that's how it is nowadays.

RVW: It's much much crazier world than last time I saw. The human beings have lost their appetites for both sex and greed. I rather prefer to get back to my sleep. If you are still around wake me up in 2016.Hopefully the world will be a saner place by that time.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Sin at Sabarimala

Everytime a movie plot gets twisted and tangled beyond the scriptwriter's ability to untie the knots, Bollywood has always looked upwards for a divine intervention. An andhi-toofan-wali raat is brought to life by pedestal fans blowing mighty air accompanied by the same lifted footage of thunder tearing apart the black screen. The mother of all Hindi filmi mothers, the one and only Ms. Nirupa Roy runs to the temple to cry for justice at the lord's feet. She hits the bells and unleashes her dukh-bhari kahani soaked in adequate glycerine before falling down unconscious in front the idol. Even the zooming camera gets sentimental and jerks up and down adding to the dramatic effect as the temple bells go tong-tong-tong. I love these chiming bells, as they are a harbinger of the impeding doom for the villain, whose balls are soon to be crushed.

But sadly the censor board have decided to dig up the national film archives to run a scissor on all these scenes citing that the temple authorities had realised that this violates our
age-old tradition of not allowing women in temple. And a reliable source from I-n-B ministry said that the Mr. Priyaranjan Dasmunshi will be issuing soon a dictate to all the filmmakers not to depict any woman inside the temple as it might hurt our deep-rooted religious sentiments.

The minister who is currently on an official visit to Germany for upliftment of Indian soccer standards by importing samba dancers to boost sagging confidence of national football heroes could not be contacted for a comment

UPDATE: After a thorough study of script and scriptures the Film Association have argued that the roles portrayed by Nirupa Roy was well past the age where a woman has no use of mere earthly possesion like tampons. The temple authorities were happy to know that their holiness stands intact and the censor board decided to give the scissors a rest. All's well that ends well.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Umrao Jaan: Is the Remake necessary ?

While flipping between Beckham-Rooney's efforts at the goal between Ecuador defense at Stutgart and Saif-Preity's gyrating stunts amidst fire-breating extras at Dubai I caught a glimpse of J.P. Dutta's forthcoming Umrao Jaan. Needless to say the over-hyped Ms. Rai lives upto her expectation of perfecting the wooden looks while delivering the opening lines. The male lead Abhisek Bachchan decided not to be outdone by his beloved and decided to take the race to the looks department by sporting a doped rockstar hairdo. The end product of this idiocracy is a deadly combo of a wooden ballerina and a bad wigged scare-crow trying to recreate one of the finest movies of Indian film history.

Having all the time in this universe to ponder upon the unsolved mystries of Bollywood my latest puzzle is : Why today's screwed up dumbos need to recreate the classics of yesterday ? Is it because they feel the treatment of the script could be more justified by the advanced new movie making technologies available to them ?

But nobody wants to rewrite Othello just because Mr.Scott Adams added the word "humongous" to the English vocabulary.

And nobody also wants to repaint the Mona Lisa becase Da Vinci didn't have photoshop software to lift Naomi Campbell's arched eyebrows on his creation's face.

Then why do the brain-dead directors want to have a go at yester years blockbusters with their new found technologies ?

A remake of special effects based King Kong could justify the use of new technologies. Sci-fi movies are the visual form human imagination and enhancing that experience with newer technologies is always welcome. I wouldn't mind in future if a 3-D holographic projector bring the image of shark in JAWS to life right in my drawing room provided they don't wet my house-owner's carpet with the obvious splashes.

Going by the same logic an armless Thakursaab kicking Gabbar mid-air in a gravity defying jump would certainly be a welcome from the usual Hindi stunts. And we can still hope in a remake of Qurbani, Firoze Khan will employ all his graphic designers to bring out the perfect facial expressions in otherwise a dead-pan lookalike Fardeen Khan. Or going by his past records he might infuse some extra digital flesh to the bust of the leading actress without the usual Sushmita silicon route.

But of all movies Umrao Jaan doesnot have its share of magical aliens like ET, outsized primates like King Kong or wired stunts like Matrix. How Mr Dutta and his creative team will render the Muzaffar Ali classic to newer heights of viewing pleasure is something as mysterious as the leading lady's acting talent.

But as one of the Hindi movie villian taught me the truest of all truths is "Paisa bolta hain", there are always enough suckers like you and me who will crowd at the theatres to compare the copy to the original. And remakers like RGV, J.P. Dutta and Feroze Khan will laugh all the way to their banks with a remixed Gabbar laughter.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

SuperMan's Friday Outing

Since the super-heroes are rampantly hitting the movie theaters every alternate Friday thought of posting a long read Superman joke.

Superman feels sad on a Friday evening as he has no villian to thrash around. To cheer up he calls Spiderman and asks him to accompany him for a drink. Spidey politely denies saying that he has a date planned with Mary Jane. So Superman calls Batman who says Robin is having a fever and he's busy nursing his side-kick. Couple of calls to other superheroes ends up with the same result. Dejected he decides to fly alone. While passing by Wonder Woman's pad his X-ray vision finds her lying naked on her bed. He thinks of paying her a visit. But thinking about all his other experiences with the super community tonight, he decides against it. And then his dimmag ki batti does a flash. He thinks since I am able to fly like a bullet lemme just have a quickie with her and even before she'll realise I will be off to the moons. So he shoots like a rocket and whoosh he goes out finishing whatever he wanted to. Ahh another fruitful Friday he thinks while dodging a NASA satellite in the sky.

Back at the Wonderwoman's bedroom she asks the Invisible Man lying on her top "Darling what was that whooshing sound I heard just now ?".
The Invisible Man replies "Dunno...but I felt something was inside my butt for a second"!!

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Rights To Look Towards The Lefts

Atal Vihari occasionally wakes up from his slumber to distribute the pearls of wisdom among his camaraderie. This time he had asked his party-men to look towards the lefts to set things right.That way they might be able to learn a lesson or two about how to stay in power years and years to come. Atal-ji might have hit it at the right spot at the right time. One of the weird puzzles in present Indian politics is who is the principal opposition party of the nation. Is it the BJP sitting on the Opposition benches or the lefts who contribute the biggest chunk of MPs supporting the ruling government ?

Take any goddamned issue under the sun that UPA lays its hands on the lefts are ever-ready to fire their salvos much before BJP spokesperson can even jot down their press statements. Footage of Prakash Karat and Sitaram Yechuri delivering the gibberish beams across every alternate news channel at every alternate political intrigue. The principal opposition party sadly is missing in all these actions. It might be high time for the lotus worshippers to take a diet of the leftist crash course before they are lost into obscurity.

But however strong BJP tries to fight back unless they shift their priorities on their agenda list they will go down the lane. The reason lies in the very way that any other democracy works to protect the driving force of the respective nation : it's economy.

In every democracy there are different shades of politics for the people to rally their idealogies. While the rightists define the gripping conservative hardliners, the lefts are supposed to be the liberal, anti-establishment edge of the spectrum. In an hour of crisis either of these two shades of the political palette strikes as the exhaust passage to let the steam off the cookpot.

BJP rise to power was primarily fuelled by the economic crisis that marked the early years of the last decade. India was opening its economy to the world under the guidance of the then finance minister Manmohan Singh. The results would not be showing immediately but surely something was needed to instil the national pride, to make people believe that India also can do it. Who other than the rightists suited this role to bring back the order out the randomness of the whims and fancies of the Gandhi topi.

But once the economy stabilised and the sensex started leaping northwards, the hardliners might prove to be a threat to the investments. The Swadeshi essence always carried the potential reverse gear danger to a closed-door economy and was weighed as a too high risk to be taken. Logically the moderates will be best bet in the scenario when the boom of the economy surpasses expectations of the greatest of all sceptics. And thus we had the return of the Congress back to Delhi's corridors of power.

Even with the moderates running the country the economy does face hindrance. It faces blockades in the exasperation arising out of disparity that characterizes any free market-based economy. These angry voices can be best channelled across the intellectual leftist movement. They perfectly fit the role of maintaining the rebellious zeal with a promise of a volte-face as and when required.

The moderates and the leftists will mark the collaboration that will characterize the next few years of Indian political canvass till another economic factor changes this balance. Till then the lefts will be right and the rights might be left out.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Flick a horrrror

Many many moons ago the predator was on the prowl amdist the dark alleys of the out-skirts of the City of Botham to infuse the innocent virgin with the blood-thirst that will create the situations for a 3 hour odd movie. Yes clever readers, as depicted in the mother of all horror movies, “Purani Haveli”, the background score was complete the obvious howls lifted from the original Ramsay sound-track.The municipal authorities had been kind enough not to repair the leaking pipes that added the dripping water effect to the chill and suspense. Although it might be summer time but the set designer was resourceful enough to find truckload of dried leaves to be blown all over the set by the big pedestral fan. Being restricted by the meagre budget and not at their creativity the designer team had hung tar-coated gunny bags as the back-drop to be completed with flickering tiny bulbs that would create the vision of a starry night. The stench from the tar was strongly nauseous, but the intellegent director realised that due to limitations of the medium the viewers won't be rewarded with the sensation of this smell. So he asked the scriptwriters to add enough dialogues to make the audience puke their guts out. After immense satisfaction on the couch during the casting priliminaries the producer had made it clear to the costume department that the upcoming item number girl would get enough exposure to show her silicon talents before being killed on the screen. So the dress designer [famous for her eye for details] was herself scruntinising the blade-works by her two assitants on the skimpy tank-top were deep enough or not. Satisfied with her ingenuity the director finally rested his creative fat ass on the chair to call the shots only to realise minutes later that the missing part that was bothering him for so long was actually the sanity of the script itself. Brooding over for a moment he smiled at the conclusion that all great artwork dazzle the viewers of the inherent mere flaws. Did anyone notice the missing eyebrows on the smiling Mona Lisa ?

And then he shouted "LIGHTS...CAMERA...ACTION".

Friday, June 09, 2006

Headlines From Kashmir to Kanyakumarika

Headlines of the day via www.Samachar.com

Vinay Katiyaar, BJP's Mr. Scape-Goat grabs the headlines once again in Jammu-n-Kashmir [1]. This time he promises Rs 1 Lakh reward to any civilian who will kill a terrorist in JK. The last time Vinay Katiyar was in headlines was when he failed to save his deposit money at the Rae Baerli by-eletions. And before that it was when Vinay Katiyar tried to stirr up the Hindu sentiment after Varanasi bomb-blast and sadly realised the old communal tune is not catching up these days. Me thinks that all the three Kaityar headlines describes the route to the loony state of his mental affairs. Because of his deranged mood he seemed to be inspired by Kajol's fanatic role in Faana ? Time for Mr. Katiyar to see Dr. Modi for a thorough check-up.

Meanwhile before going to Tihar jail Rahul Mahajan claims that he is innocent and very ill [2] (hmm..still suffering from the hang-over I guess). Surely Mahanjan Jr. in all his innocence had only sniffed some white powder..... innocent toddlers do sometimes sniff Ponds Talcum powder or whatever they get in front of them as replacement. In case you are still confused of his innocence Mr. Naqvi assures us he is not like a terrorist whom you might want to kill to claim your lakh. Rahul dude there is nothing to be ashamed of . Just have a nice trip and get-over the hang-over. Daddy's colleagues are still confident that "one incident cannot be the yardstick for a person's dynamism and capability."

Another man claiming his innocence is Mr. Natwar Laal err Singh. He has sent a letter to the PM saying that "higher ups" in the government is trying to nail him and his son Jagat[3]. Were these the same "higher ups" responsible for putting his untinted name on the Volker report too ? Give him some more time and some more kicks in his butt I'm pretty sure Mr Natwarlaal will change his tone start singing "Pardeshiya yeh saach hain priya....saab kehte hain ke maine ghoos le liya....main kahta hoon ke tune ghoos de diya"

Further down in the heart of cow-belt, Lucknow, a tantrik allegedly appointed by Ganguly's family had performed some mumbo-jumbo that will ensure the former captian's comeback to the team[4]. Maybe since Godfather Dalmiya is himself in deep daal (soup) of controversies only hope that remains is blessings from the Saturn after 6/6/6. Well Mr. More and Mr. Chappel do you feel the needles pinched on your vodoo avatars ?

Down south in Hyderabad Prakash Karat urged that UPA should learn from the election in Bengal and Kerala about people oriented policies [5]. Good show Mr. Karat, can we now have privatisation of the airports in other parts of the country just like Kolkata ? Or like every other stone hurled at UPA this advice was only for the other members of UPA and doesn't apply to the leftist residents of the glass house ?

In the same meeting while WB Chief Minister, Buddadev Bhattacharjee, attributed the election success to the farmers his Kerala counterpart V S Achuthanandan claimed the support of women for the party had done the trick. Ahh, that's what I call a Ladies' Man !!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Reservation battlefield extends to Judicial Fronts

The Gandhi Topi finally meets the Judges' Wig. The Supreme Court had asked the government to explain the rationale behind the 27% reservations for the OBC. Without giving an oppurtunity for the protesters to cheer the SC sternly asked the medicos to end their stir or be prepared to face the consequences of contempt of the court. As the reservation battlefield extends to judicial fronts speculations about the fate of this movement rolls into mind.

In an utopian world the taking a cue from their mumbling client (when facing the hard hitting facts from Karan Thapar), the government lawyers will stammer when trying to establish the logic of reservation. It's not easy to package the logic of increase my vote-bank amidst the weasel words unless you have the canine cunnigness of Mr. Dogbert. But fortunately our legislators don't take the pain of hiding their malicious intentions behind nationality stirring jargons . Their approach is more direct and more blunt. So as is inscribed below the national emblem the motto of "Satyemeva Jayete" [ie.Truth Alone Triumphs] will prevail the fate of the nation. Admist the deafening claps and cheers the judge will thrash his hammer and say "Tamman bayanat ko madd-e-nazar rakhte huwe adalat isi natize pain aa paunche ke srif voto ke liye arakshan rashtra ke unnati ke khilaf hain. Arjun Singh ko is ghinone zurm ke liye umaar kaed ka saza sunai jaati hain" [translation : Reservation only for the sake of votes is against the development of the nation and Arjun Singh is sentenced to life time prison for this heinous crime.]

In the real world within the eight weeks period granted by the court the government clerks will be collecting and manufacturing data to support the reservation theory. In the same span of time without guidance and directions from thoughtful leaders the zeal of the youthful rebellion will die an untimely death without entering the foray of a revolution. By this time all the political parties will be reaching the enlightening unanimity that reservation will ultimately benefit all of their vote-bank. All the future political programs will be chartered to meet this single objective. The traffic at all the Indian streets and gallis will be stopped by the rallies in support of the reservation. Party sponsered intelligensia will reveal to the media the deep insights into how Manu's wrongfully implemented caste system would be nullified by the rightfully implemented reservation dawai. Time tested methods of Goebbels will once again see success in Indian politics. Finally the day will come when India will be torned into one separate General Pradesh and another separate OBC Pradesh.

In the heaven above the Goddess of Learning will ask the Goddess of Law to lend her blind-folds.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Abhineta and Neta Quotes of the day

Viviek Oberoi was the only one from Bollywood delegation to Cannes to sport an Indian outfit. But apparently he got carried away with the whole Desi looks idea or had too much of French wine. While commenting on his forth-coming film "Omkara" which happens to be a Vishal Bharadwaj's adaptation of the Bard's Othello he said, "I think Vishalbhai’s Omkara is even better than the original version"[1]. Someone should declare that Viviek shouldn't be allowed to give any public interview in 200 mile proximity of his lost love Aishwarya Rai. The old flames seems to have a dull effect on his brains.

Our politicians are getting techno-savvy day by day. Lalu P. Yadav recently stunned his other colleagues of the cabinet with a MS Power Point presentation in Hindi. To break the silence among awe-struck audience Jaipal Reddy was the first to comment "This is the beauty of the Mandal Commission. Nobody thought a person like Lalu Prasad could make a power point presentation."
[2]. Rumour has it that Uma Bharati was spotted listening to her daily evening Bhajan doses with an Ipod hooked to her ears and Rabri Devi is evaluating between SAP and Oracle Applications for keeping a track of her fodder reserves.