Saturday, September 09, 2006

Gadget Tag

Twisted DNA, in his twisted witty style ended his last post by passing the Gadget tag at yours truly. Rules of the game are simple enough : I got to come up with three gadgets that I dream of even when I am wide awake. Regular readers of this blogs ( yes I know you are even rarer than the pink unicorn and is yet to be classified in animal kingdom) will know that me and gadgets are not the best of pals. But anyway since that was an archived blog post tucked historically somewhere after Salman Khan spent two days in chakki pissing the jail-ki-atta and before Krissh marked the advent of superheroes in Indian screen, I wouldn’t start my dukh-bhari-kahani again.

Instead let me tell you what I think is the purpose of gadgets in general. It is a device operated by mechanical force or electricity aimed at becoming an extension to the human capability of performing tasks otherwise restricted by limitations of human anatomy. Now that’s what I call Bullshit Bingo. Ok coming back to plain Angrezi : gadgets are supposed to help me in my struggling lifestyle in an otherwise zaalim duniyah. In short help me to elongate my abilities to overcome my short-comings in every possible way.

My prime short coming is forgetting the door keys. Believe me I vouch upon Mallika Sherwat’s non-existent pallu that it’s been three times I had been locked out of doors. First time I spend a night on a sofa at a colleague’s place. Next time I borrowed a hack-saw to cut through the Godrej tala.I had to do a lot of explaining to the new security guard in the complex until a kind hearted neighbor identified me as the rightful tenant of the flat. Third time I didn’t take any chance so I spend a night in a Rs. 500 hotel room with attached bath.

Not to be caught in similar locha fourth time I made 4 copies of my house key. I gave one to my neighbor , one I left with the shopkeeper in the stationary shop opposite to my house , one was locked inside my office drawer and the other attached to the key ring of my bike keys. Later in job life when somebody appreciated a disaster recovery plan I prepared, I surely knew where I learnt my lessons from.

So my first fancy gadget would be a door that opens to only at my command. For anyone else who can remember the exact date Babur invaded India and thereby by the virtue of his memory not loose his keys single time it will act different. Impressed by memory retention capacity it might even allow its hole to be probed by steel key belonging to such a guy.But for me it should never ask for mere earthly possesions like a key.

To add to security from my voice-alike I would program it to open the doors to me only and only if it recognize me singing “O(NNNNN)h Huuuuuuu(NNNN)zur……ter(NNNNN)aa suroooo(NNN)r “ in my nearly perfect imitation of Reshmiya’s nasal effort. Surely the imposters cannot beat me in that. And yes I admit in front of all of practicing this song every time I sit on the comode seat. The passage of strong air current in nasal cavity really helps in the morning traffic and believe me you can download at zooming broadband speeds.

My second fancy gadget would also compliment my another skill at loosing : Umbrella. Since you know umbrellas are meant to be lost I don’t feel that guilty. But once in a while it is worth bringing back home. That however reminds me the story of a gentleman who had similar traits of character.Every time he took the umbrella outside he would loose it somewhere. Upon returning home he would be shouted at by the other half for his forgetfulness. So one fine day he is determined and finally comes home with the umbrella in his hand held up high in full glory like a trophy won. But to his utter surprise he still gets the same amount of daily rebuke. On asking “But why” the wife replies “You hadn’t taken in umbrella from the house in the morning…and may I know whose ladies umbrella are you holding in your hand now?”

My second fancy gadget is an umbrella that never lets itself go from your hand. The way it would work is every time I leave it back somewhere it would sing to me in the same dard-naak tone as Lata sang “Na jao re saiyaan…churake baiyaan”. And I guess I am not so cold-hearted to leave such a longing companion behind.

My third gadget would certainly have to be a way of restricting my over-spending. Even if I go to a 7-11 in the night to buy a bottle of beer and a pack of cigarettes some how I fail to restrict myself to the charm of articles assorted on the shelves or freezer. Now if a tiny 7-11 shop can have this effect on me think how helpless I am when left between alleys and alleys of unwanted articles in a super-market.

I desperately need something that can at the same time check my saving account balance, check at the ration stock at my house, can communicate with my better half and obtain her approval before allowing me to grab that Buy 1 Get 1Free scented matchstick box with a free WWF card. In case it fails any one of the above mentioned checks it would simply sing to me “Naahi naahi abhi nahi….abhi karo intezer”.In case my determination doesnot succumb to the lyrical advice the machine should cling to my wallet covers with its teeth. That would certainly make it qualify as a Blue-tooth gadget.

5 comments:

Twisted DNA said...

LOL.

There is one solution for all three problems of yours. Get married and make her a housewife. You won't have to use the door keys. You will never lose an umberella because she will remind you. You won't even think of going to 7-11 for beer and smoke. :D

I know you would make it funny. Enjoyed reading it. Now if you would stop comparing your visitors to gay unicorns...

Twisted DNA said...

Oh, could you correct the links to my site. Hopefully I can get a couple of pink unicorns myself.

Bishu said...

@TD: Well even I thought in the sames lines and saw marriage as the only answer.Tied the knot quite some years back to find out my better half,being the better one,outdid me in all the three departments.Now both of us rest our hope on our 3 yr old daughter.Every time anything is lost she's the one who finds it tucked in the corner of the bed or the other obescure places.Hopefully she doesn't pick up the family traits later on.And be careful on pink unicorns.They are a helluva moody creatures and can turn nasty if not feed with cavier.

Shreemoyee said...

Your local key and umbrella maker must be quite happy with you.

Bishu said...

@Shreemoyee: Welcome to my blog.As far as the key is concerned it's the local key maker.Infact couple of days back I saw a sticker in front of my door 24x7 key duplication.That's what I call innovative entrepreneurship.
And for the umbrellas,I guess going by the number of umbrellas I had bought in past and going to buy in future,I am feeding an entire village of umbrella makers in some remote corner of China.Hmmm...that makes me feel better.