Thursday, April 20, 2006

Kiss-Naah : No kissing Please,We Are Indians

In tradition with the recent historic movies made in Bollywood my current post stats with a voice-over narration :

"Saan unissoh-chathis : Bharat ka badsaah George V guzar ne ke baad unka beta Edward VIII se saar pe taaj charah.Paar Bharat paar unke hukumaat chala srif ek hi saal.Ek American talak-suda aurat Wallis ke pyaar main deewana Edward ne apna takht apna bhai Duke of York Prince Edward ke naam kaar diyah.Paar pure British Sultanat main pyar ke liye kimaat chukane wale Edward-Wallis akele nahin the...."

The next scene begins with a sub-title : India, New Delhi 1936, The Office of Morality, British Indian Civil Service.

The camera pans down the ceiling fan rotating at a speed where you can count there goes the 1st blade, 2nd blade, 3rd blade and so on.The office is well decorated with the Union Jack, a map of Indian sub-continent and on the wall backside hangs a oil potrait of His Highness Prince Edward VIII. In the chair behind the desk a grumpy old British officer is seen smoking his cigar. In front of him stands his Babu with a bundle of papers. Behind him a love struck couple staring each other with dreamy eyes is held captive firmly by two pandu hawildaars.

Officer mutters to himself "Oh god, I am missing London badly, Delli is hot as hell...2 more months before my transfer and I am stuck in this shit-hole !"
And then in a nasal British Hindi accent shouts at his babu :"Toh yeh dono khule sadak pain kiss kaar rahe the...Outrageous...only British logo ko openly kiss karne ka permission hain... tum ghulam logo ko nahin.... you need to be punished severely."

A bend-back Babu replies in the politest tone : "Huzur aap mai-baap aap rahete huwe inko saza to zarur milega...paar penal code main aise zurm ke liye kuch likhe nahin hain"

Officer : "You lazy Babu can't you read the goddam penal code properly...there must be something for this"

Babu dumping the whole volume of the penal code on the table : "Huzur aap samajdaar aap khud hi dekh lijiye"

Officer : "Ok...ok...the word of a British officer is as good as the law.Send these buggers to Anadaman...let them live there for 5 years ...after that forget about kissing they won't dare to look at each other." (followed by a cruel laughter)

Babu : "Huzur...Cellular Jail main aur kohi cell khali nahin"

Officer :"Goddamiit why can't the prison authorities plan anything in advance...faansi pain charado indonoh ko."

Babu : "Saarkaar peechle teen saalon se itne logo ko faansi pain charayah gaye ke rassi saare khatam ho gaya.Manchester se agla lot aate aate aur teen mahine.Taab taak agar in-donoh ko bachane ke liye kohi naya andolan suru ho gaya toh ?"

Officer : "Hmmm Babu you got a point here....we should act fast...let's fine these poor bastards heavily. Babu how much do you make a month ?"

Babu : "Saarkaar tankha se 50 rupiah....aur baaki ka hisab karna padega"

Officer : "Ok that's it.Fine them 50 rupees and put it down in writing that from now on any couple found kissing in public will be fined 50 rupees..panchaash rupiyaah get out of my sight while I enjoy my cigar...oh boy I miss London."

That is how the penalty for kissing in public was valued at Rs 50.Ever since then if any duti-bound pandu hawildaars found any Indian couple lip-locked immediately they issued a parcha worth Rs. 50.But during the last 70 years India has seen lot of changes and today with this money you can buy only a cup of coffee. In recent years from Kashmir-to-Kanyakumarika Indian lovers inspired by Imran Hashmi are seen smooching each-other behind the bushes.And when the police comes without the slightest botheration they just flash out a half-patti and that's it.

So the economists at Delhi Police HQ sat down calculated the relative value of Rs 50 from 1936 to 2006 using all the 4 methods available ie. Consumer Purchase Index(CPI),GDP deflactor, Unskilled wage rate, GDP per capita and Relative share of GDP. Finally after much heated debate they came to a figure of Rs 477.50.To this they added 2.5% surcharge and 2% education sess and the penality for showing your affection intimately in public with your lips will now cost you Rs 500.

Next time you kiss in public make sure you have a Rs. 500 note in your wallet. Otherwise be prepared to spend the night in jail whose lavatory conditions is yet to improve before Salman Khan renovates them with marble flooring.


Kele Panchu said...

Haha, nice story. :) Did you mean faansi instead of suli?
Does it still happen in Delhi?

Bishu said...

@Panchu: Thank u sir...correction done.Not sure if Delhi still has the Suli but me thinks that it is very much present in its modern day glory in Abu Gharib or Guanatanamo Bay.