Fanaa : Will Kajol break the comeback jinx ?

After the disastrous Neal-n-Nikki the Chopras realised it's high time to make up the losses before lil bro Udai starts pestering Pappa Yash and elder Bro Aditya to script another movie in his quest for impossible stardom. So this Friday coming at a theatre near you is "Fanaa...Destroyed in Love" . Apart from the fact that this a Yash Chopra banner film, "Fanaa" will still be a movie to watch out for a number of reasons.

Critics will be sharpening their pen-nibs to check out what Kunal Kohli cooks up this time after his successful adaptation of "When Harry met Sally" in "Hum-Tum".The Fanaa story-line revealed so far looks fresh from the oven and after indigestion from a staple diet of Hollywood to Koreawood copies this one might bring some freshness to the menu.

As for the aam-jaanta they will be waiting for another inspiring performance from the Haatke actor Aamir. Unlike his stereo-typed colleagues he is the only one who tries to get into the skin of the character instead of playing himself. Think of it how many mimic artists can you remember mimicking Aamir Khan. And this itself is quite a big achievement by Bollywood standands.

Finally this movie will mark Kajol's second innings in Bollywood after her marriage. Will Ms. Devgan be able to achieve what she did before her marriage ? Till date none of the top-rated heroines had been able to regain their numero uno position after their honeymoon trip. The same fan following that whistled loud at her jhatkas-n-latkas becomes silent once the mangal-sutra dangles from the heroine’s neck. In a country where the audience doesn't mind a 50+ actor portraying a college kid this is even more surprising.

Does this trace back to ancient India when because of non-existance of Bollywood dream merchants the show business was strictly state-sponsored. It used to be the king or the elected statesmen who appointed the Nartakis ( dancers ) to entertain the public. Just like today's silver-screen heroines the Nartakis had their share of Page 3 limelight, their own fan clubs, access to the corridors of power and were bedded by high fliers of the society.

But all this rich and famous goodies came at one heavy price: They were never allowed to marry. The logic was when a woman is coveted so much it would be a very big injustice to the entire population if this treasure is hooked up with a single man. Now that the times have changed, old traditions have given way to the new ones, still deep down our sub-consciousness we have the same hypocrisy running strong.

I hope Kajol will break this jinx and prove me wrong.

Krissh : First Mutant invasion in Bollywood !!

In pursuit of contradictions between the treatment towards the opposite sexes, Bollywood has always seemed to me to be the treasure trove. As a true reflection of the male-chauvinist Indian society, in reel life it is always the hero who tastes the fleshy Aam (Mango) leaving the the stony Gutli (seed) for the heroine to suck. And why I say that ? Try closing your eyes and remember any one of the Bollywood songs that tried to reach the peaks. Ok now that you can see the hero and heroine dancing amidst the white snow laden background what diffrences do you see between them ?

Did you notice the truly amazing display of endurance that the heroine smilingly brings to the screen. Behold her in the skimpiest of all outfits atop the peaks of all the mountains you had read in your high-school geography course. Be it the Himalayas at our own backyard or the Yash Chopra favourite European Alps or even the distant Latin Andes from our home-planet to the even more distant Olympus Mons on Mars, our desi femme fatales had braved the sub-zero temparature to conquer them all in string bikini suits.

On the other hand when it came to dancing at heights, our hero seemed to be a walking billboard for woollen apparels. Barring the monkey-caps their wadrobe seem to have all the weapons that you can think of to protect from the snow. Geared with the snow-goggles, hand gloves, well-knit mufflers and a thick-set sweater, they wrap around anything and everything that could get them the closest resemblence to an intoxicated leaping Yeti. Rishi Kapoor who had perfected this look had single handedly boosted the sales of Monte Carlo sweaters to 100 times than what it normally would have been.

But to the delight of bra-burning feminists that'll be not be case anymore. Applaud the birth of the first Hindi super-natural hero "Krissh". The preview of the movie showed Hrithik who is playing the role of a mutant (hmm that explains his extra finger and the elastic moves) dancing with his lady love Priyanka to the tune of his uncle Rajesh Roshan's song atop another snow-clad mountain peak. And to my surprise I saw the roles are reversed entirely. Priyanka is wearing a wollen cap , a jacket and even her hands are folded inside to find that extra warmth. And in sharp contrast our mutant boy is donning a dhoti and a banyan and outdoing Priyanka in all the dance steps.

SUPER-NATURAL indeed !!

Gotta see this movie for the other twists-n-turns that Papa Rakesh Roshan will entertain us with.

Truck load of Uranium !!!

BBC claims this is Uranium mined at Jadugoda that is being carried in this open lorry. But then again this is B.B.C who are known in Sri Lanka as Biased BrainWash Corporation.
Can anyone from the Indian media check out the story ?

A-B-C-D of Reservation Politics

Here is the A-B-C-D guide of How to Handle Indian Political Issues

• A : Agitation
• B : Bandh
• C : Committee
• D : Delay
  

Now that the agitation and strikes by the pro and the anti reservation camps have had their share of newsprints and blog-bytes time has come to jump for the step C . So just at the right time (read Sonia's comeback at Parliament) Manmohan Singh waking up from his slumber has announced the formation of a four member committee to evaluate the valid points from both sides".

Without any surprises the committee consists of four veteran Congressmen all of whom are present cabinet ministers. Alphabetically the names are :
HRD Minister Arjun Singh
Law Minister Hansraj Bharadwaj
Finance Minister P.Chidambaram
Defence Minister Pranab Mukherjee

If you are done with clicking the Wiki version let me give you the wicked version of the recent and past achievements of the above mentioned gentlemen :

Bharadwaj's recent claim to fame was trying to stop the solicitor general to freeze of a certain Mr. Quattrocchi's certain UK bank accounts. The law minister has also ignored the two cases pending in Indian courts against the same Mr Q. After all Mr. Q is late Rahul Gandhi's sasural-ke-side-se-mehman. And we Indians are famous for our mehman-nawazi. Hansraj happens to be the most cunning of the lot.Mark my words he'd the guy to watch for.

Arjun Singh has been a long time player and a true master batsman in this game . His epic innings have been Churhat lottery case and the building of the Karwa Dam palace. The palace seems to cost somewhere between 10 to 20 crore although Arjun's claim is it cost him only forty lakhs. Holy Cow!!What was he trying to build ? A second Taj Mahal ? But what more can you say of the rhino-skinned politician who held tight to his CM-ki-kursi even when the Bhopal tragedy Gas had struck. No points in guessing which side of the debate is favoured by Arjun Uncle.

Pranab Mukherjee has been the faithful YES-MAN through decades. From Indira to Rajiv then to Narasimha Rao and finally Sonia this Bengali lawyer had been the laage-raho side-kick character with all the Congress supremos. So his presence in the committee can be translated only as Sonia's rubber-stamp. Nothing more than that but nothing less either.

Chidambaram is the most educated of the lot with a Harvard law degree. Till date he has been doing a good job with India's wallet and had stayed kroso-meel-dur from any corruption. But then again I'm that sceptic who greets the dish of world's best meat with a "The taste would've ruined if one more grain of salt was added" kind of compliment. So who was our FM trying to please when in the Budget 06 the exercise duty on Pasta was reduced from 16% to a big Zero ? Was it the Italian job ? Rumoured to be a supporter of anti-reservation Chidambaram will be perhaps the only guy other than Arjun who'll speak his mind.

Now time for the ek-crore-ka-sawal : What happens next ?

Simple ....just like any other issues the four members of the Committee will now commence on the Step D (ie. the Delay phase). And we, the people of India, will resume our daily normal routine of eating-n-shitting. By the time the Committee come to E-for-ENDING the chances are quite high that I will be rolling in my grave while my great-great-grandson will be walking on this planet.

One film is powerful than a thousand words ?

The release of the film Da Vinci Code in India has been postponed. The Information Ministry has decided to let the ministry pundits, censor board mullahs and the holy bishops to sit down with their well-trained scissors and have a watch at the film before they decide whether the dudh-peete (milk-fed) Indians can have their share of the reel version of Dan Brown's novel. Ever since the book was published in May 03, buying the original copies from racks of Cross-Word (and making Mr. Brown richer) or the pirated ones at the traffic signal (and making Mr. Brown poorer) the voracious Indian readers have already read and digested the contents without any acidic hiccups. Has the attendance at the Sunday masses in the churches across the nation shown any decline after that?

Or is that kala-akshar-vainsh-barabar members of the Indian population forms the largest part of the Church's followers in India? And the padres are afraid that if these ignorant masses are allowed to come across the idea that when it came to love and sex The Son of God also acted like a mere mortal then their customer base might suffer a drastic reduction.

If that be the case why don't the padres address the greater issue of illiteracy and leave us to decide which movie to go for. After all it's my money that buys me the ticket and I have my own right to choose the films I want to watch.

Mr. DasMunshi and Ms. Pataudi are you listening?

Rahul-Baba:Making of the Chote Sarkaar

As predicted by Nostra-Dumb-Ass Sonia-ji is all set to adorn her throne back at Loksabha. Out of the total 5.9 lakh votes polled, Ms Gandhi got 4.74 lakh votes. The two other candidates SP's Raj Kumar Chowdhury managed to secure 57,000 votes, while BJP's scapegoat Vinay Katiyar failed to save his deposit money by securing 20,000 votes only.

The only note-worthy event in this whole fiasco was the Chote Sarkaar Rahul-baba seen organizing his mamma's campaign. If you go by the results Rahul-baba is emerging as the next leader in the making. And time for another Nostra-Dumb-Ass prediction : The Gandhi worshippers at Kangress HQ is waiting for a good time to coronate Rahul on his hereditary throne of the Prime Ministership of India. But the more is Rahul projected as the gen-next messiah more the question of his ability gets raised.

If we are to judge a book by it's cover only the readers are far from impressed. Looking at his designer khadi kurta he seems to me the conventional neta whose motto is to follow the tradition as it is. Why does a young guy have to wear an attire like kurta with which none of the urban or rural youth identifies to? Maybe the Kangress think-tank is afraid if Rahul-baba wears his comfortable Armani or Gucci T-shirts the Rae Berelli or Amethi's aam janta would not be able to identify him as the saviour. Has the Hindi movies potrayal of the neta in white kurta in penetrated so deep amidst the aan-paad ganwar that changing this image is too much of a risk worth taking.

But learning the proverbial lesson as I am try to look beyond the covers and read between the lines of the great Rahul epic, the mere lack of impression turns into utter disgust. So far the Chote Sarkaar's only contribution to the Indian political news has been his occasional pot-shots at Mulayam. Maybe this is a part of the greater plan of establishing Rahul-baba as the voice of Kangress in UP and the rest of the cow-belt. And if the cow-belt is won can the rest of India be left behind. But before he dons that mettle our hero is yet to do anything (other than being born into the Gandhi dynasty) to justify his share of fame.

For example when asked on his views on a hot potato like reservation the Chote-Sarkaar played a bil-cool copybook style safe shot which perhaps even Dravid would be proud of. He simply avoided the debate saying that "It's a complex issue" . And then to the awestruck speechless reporters he added a thoughtful insight that "Both sides have valid points". As if the learned political pundits and the not-so-learned Indian janta both had failed to grasp the "Complex"-ity of the reservation issue before Rahul-baba revealed the true nature of the issue.Tut-tut, Chote Sarkaar can't your speechwriters come up with something better? Or is the lil Gandhi still waiting to find out which side the wind is blowing strong. And then in a convenient time make the jump to that boat which will sail further.

Rahul-baba you seem to have inherited your father's looks and your mamma's dilemma. Your stance reminds me of your mom who said that she would rather have Manmohan as PM only after things were taking a nasty turn. Why couldn't she say that before fighting the election ? Or why did she wait so long before her resignation until EC was breathing on her neck ? Just like her you too are always waiting for the the last straw till the very last moment. Sadly we the people of India have had enough of political déjà vu. So we are not so apprehensive to see you being projected into our political horizon as our guiding star.

Rahul-baba if you are honest to yourself try to think out of the Gandhi topi and do something different. And for Neheru's sake fire those idiot speechwriters of yours and PLEEASE come up with your own lines. Or like another illustrious member from your alma mater Harvard the key to your success lies in INTERNALIZING ?

Freaky Gagdets/Gadgets Freaky

Throughout my conscious existence on this planet I had been fighting the loosing battle against the strange behaviour of the gadgets around me. If am to record the history of this battle it started as early as my toddler days when I thought that that my father's new watch could do the bouncing trick which I discovered was not true along with a painful memory of dad twisting and turning of my ears.

But that was before I attained literacy and had been able to read the manual successfully. Now that I have read and known what the gadget is supposed to do, the correct combination of the buttons or keys then why come they behave the exact opposite baffles me the most. And when all the possible logical answers fails, an X-File script fits in perfectly. It must be a conspiracy to stop the me to utilize the best of gadgets to the fullest extent. Don't ask me who and why this conspiracy was hatched as Scully and Moulder are still working on it.

Take the strange behaviour of my home theatre system. It’s a nice piece of electronics with woofers, sub-woofers, remote with all possible buttons and a 200 pages thick manual of what all you can do and cannot do. For a father of a two year old nothing is most valuable than his home theatre especially when the cinema halls are a strict no-no until your child learns to stop crying and wake up everyone who are trying to catch a nap at the multiplex. So all my movie watching other than what the TV channel dishes out happens with this piece of gadget.

But two days before it simply refused to do what it is basically supposed to do, play a godamned movie. I had got a CD of the movie "Being Cyrus". I switch on the player and I was greeted with a screen full of frozen pixels. The technician in me immediately got into action. I put on a head cleaner and try again. No better results I am still seeing the frozen pixels. Tried running another CD works fine. Next day go to the shop and complain how can they sell me a CD that doesn’t work. The salesman tries on his system and it works fine. Frustrated I buy the same movie from another shop in another part of the town. Come back, try again and it’s the same frozen screen again.

My player plays all that I have my movie collection. From the ekdum original ones to the cheap pirated ones, the hot-hot XXX ones to the nasty-nasty XXXX ones. But when it comes to playing "Being Cyrus" it always greets me with a screen of frozen pixels. Why on the earth would someone not want me to watch a movie that too "Being Cyrus" is something I can never understand?

This is not the first time...we had this music system that my roomie and me used to share. A product of Ipswich Car Boot Sale it was an amazing piece of machinery for its price of 15 pounds. Be it Bangla folks or the African drums, Bappida's Disco beats or Death Metal Rock it played them all exactly the same way it as was recorded in the studio. But then my roomie went to a Bob Dylan's concert and returned a Convert. Wherever he could lay his hands on or click his mouse he'll buy Dylan's CDs. I personally remember collecting at least 5 times from the eBay delivery. After playing Dylan for two three months our CD player became a Convert too.

It stopped playing all other musicians except for Robert Allen Zimmerman. If you try playing Kishore Kumar it made him sound like a toad with a bad case of laryngitis. If you try Simon-Gurfunkel it made those sweet pair of voices sound like Gupi-Bagha before they got the boon from Bhooter Raja.But put one CD from Mr. Zimmerman, it played like the master singing himself in your living room. Till date I haven't deciphered what secret message my conspirators were trying to send through the lyrics of Subterranean Homesick Blues.

But the deadliest of all was the ATM machine in my first office. ATMs are always the simplest of all machines - easy to understand, easy to use. Just put your card, key in your pin and say how much you need. Like an obedient genie they will churn out the amount in fresh-minted currencies except for this one. I had tried all the other ATM kiosks from my bank across the city. They would behave like a well-groomed puppy that dutifully fetches his master’s newspaper without a single teeth mark. But this one behaved like a mangy old canine whose purpose of existence was to heckle me with its barks and bites.

Any time, any day, any night, any transaction I tried on this machine it invariably would gobble up my debit card. Be it cash withdrawal, changing ATM pin or even checking account balance I was always greeted with a screen “The transaction could not be completed. Your card has been withheld. Please contact our nearest branch”. I use to watch in despair all my colleagues coming out with wad of notes and smiling teeth but I was never able to join those happy faces.

So every time I would either bike 10 km to the next ATM kiosk or ask a trusted colleague to operate on my behalf. Once or twice he tried encouraging me to do it myself but it always ended with a trip to the bank to recover the card. I became quite a known face at the bank. Every time I stepped inside the banker lady in charge of cards would greet me with a "Oh no, Mr Som. Not again!!”

Now that I have relocated and have jumped 3 odd jobs in 3 different cities I still have dreams of visit to that ATM. In my dreams as soon as I try to put my card inside it sucks my hand and then my whole body. The dream always ends with me trying to pull myself back from the clutches of the devilish ATM with the emergency alarm ringing TRNNNNNNG… TRNNNNNNG. Breathing heavily I wake up with a heavy perspiration all over my forehead to find my alarm clock ringing.

Scully ... Moulder are you listening?

A Tale of Two Faces

Today morning's peek-a-boo at Desipundit informed me that The Republic of India is alarmingly surrounded by "Failed States" on all sides.Being the avid Googler I looked into Google News for a deeper insight.It seems that someone came up with a 12 point rating system where the countries are evaluated.Higher your rating....lower is your country's state of affairs.Name any one of our neighbouring countries : Pakistan, Afghanistan, Burma, Bangladesh, Nepal....they all have scored almost a perfect 10 in all the indicators that characterises A Failed State.Our big neighbour across the Himalayas the Peoples' Republic of China came 54-th way ahead of India whose ranking was 93 among the 146 countries around the globe.Pauline Baker, president of the Fund for Peace, gave a generous certificate that India had greater social mobility and was more decentralised than its more populous neighbour. The true Indian in me immediately started singing the BAAP of all patriotic song ....yes the one-and-only-one Manoj Kumar starrer :

"O mere desh ki dharti ublhe sona, ublhe heere-mothi,
O mere desh ki dharteeeee..............................................."

Just when I had reached the patriotic momentum with the high-pitched EEs suddenly with a EEEEK my song came to a screecthing halt. Another news at the bottom of the screen reflected that India is the home for more than half of the world's under-nourished children.Yes we know that last time President Clinton had visited India both the nation had signed a secret deal.Since the North American landmass was tilting under the weight of its obese population we decided to maintain Earth's center of gravity at the center of the Earth India would balance the weight.There was a very fierce competition from the famine striken and war torn African nations who were also trying to do the same favour to their European counterparts.But at the end it was we the Indian's who were responsible for the Earth to still rotate at 23 degree axis.Of course our friendly neighbourhood Pakistanis and Bangladeshis did add to this 73 million figure but by far India remains to be the biggest contributer to the list.So puff goes my balloon of national pride and I sit at my desk with my head hanging down.

And then I realised that there is not one but two Indias that run parallely in the nation's lifestream.

In one India a business development manager courtiously advises his American clients "Since this is your first day in India I would suggest you rather avoid the currys ". And then with his homework done he suggests "If you like Italian there is a nice little resturant down the lane". The client thinks "Hmmm...thatz cool...but when do I get the free elephant ride".
And thus a successful million dollar outsourcing deal is signed.

In the other India transactions also happen with lunch suggestions. Look at those two gentlemen with one assuring the other "Don't worry whereever I am taking her,they will treat her like a queen".After a few moments of hesitation the father lets go off his daughter's hand and clinches onto the sack of rice.One smooth transaction and a girl is sold at the cost of a sack of rice.

In one India at 2:00 am in morning a call center executive putting on his best American accent is trying to help a frustated user in US : "Yes Ms. Thickhead next time you need to shut down the computer don't switch off the plug.I know it's a bit of irony but you need to press the start button to shut down.That way you wouldn't loose your data....Ok I will put a ticket to the design team suggesting a button name change in the next release.Is there anything else I can help you.Have a good day.Byee"

In another India at 2:00 am in the morning a farmer takes a last long look at his sleeping wife and children before turning to the hanging noose that awaits for him. After all this is the only way he can escape the sharp teeth of the money lending sharks.Too bad he doesn't have a helpline to call.And even if he had the nearest phone booth is 30 miles away.

In one India in the tinsel town of Mumbai inside a sound-proof studio the upcoming female model bares it all in the couch test.The next hour the progressive film-maker chats with his journo freind over a glass of beer "Aare dada ...she's the rawest talent I have ever seen.Just the kind of woman I wanted to potray in my historical Jhansi Ki Raani.Wait for the movie to complete and then you will realise that I got an eye for jewels".Journo friend makes a mental note to pass on this masala to Page 3 editor.

In another India not so far away city of Pune a 13 year Bulu from West Bengal is re-christianed as Chameli and is thrown to the highest bidder for her virginity. An hour later she's one more face in the crowds of Budhwarpet.If she's very lucky enough she might escape AIDS.

In one India the newspapers is carrying a photograph of the genius Indian-American boy collecting the first prize in the spelling bee competetion for correctly spelling the longest word in English dictionary "floccinaucinihilipilification" without the slightest hesitation.

In another India inside a shady joint in the coastal sea-beaches the visitng foreign tourist asks the manager to spell out the name of the boy he had chosen. After all calling the victim by the first name adds a new thrill to the pedophelic lust.

The list is endless,but with each battling contrasts of the two faces of India the dialectics between these two grows more acute than ever. So long these two shades of the fabric otherwise known as the Great Indian Society had been running parallel to each other. But what happens if they intersect ? What will they find when they look into each-others eyes ? Compassion or hatred ? Will they embrace in a brother hug or crush one-another to death ? Will India's growing population of the urban rich manage to pull up the rural down-trodden ? Will the poverty striken rural Indian crowd drag down their urban counterparts to darkness ? Most importantly will this duel take place in our times , in our share of history ? More and more questions keep on piling in the space that divides the two Indias.

The Zen Master told his pupil "The ten thousand questions are one question. If you cut through the one question, then the ten thousand questions disappear ". I am still searching for the ONE QUESTION.

Anyone got the answer ?

Opal Mehta : From Chic-lit Genius to Chic-Cheat Fraud

"Churi-bidya mohabidya,
Jodi Na poro dhora"

Translated in English this Bengali proverb means "The Art of Theft is a very very fine art...Only If you don't get caught". And do you know what happens when you get caught. More than half of the blogging world comes crushing you from all sides. It started with the pony-tailed guru's phoney tales. Quizmaster Parnab was squeezed from all corners of the blog. And now the richest and the youngest entrant to this Hall of Shame is Kaavya Vishwanathan. To think of it she had it all : A teen with good looks, education at the best IVY league college, a six figure two book contract, another fat agreement with DreamWorks for the movie rights. But unfortunately just before copies of her book "How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life" were to hit the stands a nosy reporter at the Harvard Crimson(Harvard’s student newspaper) discovered instances of similarity with other chic-lit (Wow a new word to my vocab) novels "Sloppy First" and "Second Helpings" both by the same writer Megan McCafferty. The storyline was identical with one of the books and the number of VERY VERY similar passage between these books was more than 40.With so many co-incidental matches very little room was left for doubt that Kaavya's literary genius was a sad case of Ctrl-C + Ctrl-V.

The best part was when questioned this literary celebrity came up with a brilliant defence line that would have made Grisham's lawyers go green with envy. All she said was that "I wasn’t aware of how much I may have internalized Ms. McCafferty’s words". It looked like just before the audience was to clap at the levitating magician the invisible rope snapped and with a heavy thud she fell flat on her face and said "Oh..Oh...the rope should have been stronger".After all who can guess there are suckers who reads books with weird titles like "Sloopy First" and "Second Helpings" other than budding writers trying to internalize the words, only to externalize later inside a new book cover with a new title.

Indeed it was a sad day for people like me who have a huge admiration for the masters of this greatest art form. In my book the finest master was Eduardo de Valfierno. He had got one idiot glass fitter Vincenzo Peruggia to steal Mona Lisa for him from the Louver. While the original was locked up with the idot, the master had sold 6 fake copies of Da Vinci's masterpiece and made a fortune for himself. He lived life to the fullest in the cosiest of the villas at the French Riviera, sailed in the best of yachts, drank the best of the wines and had the company of the best of the women folks. Before his death he called an American reporter Karl Decker and told him of his adventure, which instantly became a hot seller.

During my days at college I too met one master of this trade. For anonymity purpose let's call our hero Bluffmaster. Bluffmaster was the shrewdest artist when it came to cheating in the examination halls. From Harmonium (a rectangular sheet with all the answers written in microscopic handwriting and folded between two fingers) to Diagonal Scales ( a white piece of paper with answers scribbled was cut to the exact dimension of the scale and pasted to the back of the scale) he had excelled at these tiny feats during his kindergarten days. So he left the small tricks for us and went on to bigger things. But like all big players at one point of time he got carried over and one day was caught red handed while copying.

As the vigilant professors would have it, they made him write all the next exams sitting in the first bench right under the invigilator's nose. Those days we were all big worshippers of the concept of division of labour. So this is what we used to do,one guy would read one particular chapter, the other guy another and just one hour before the exams we would have a round table conference in the canteen were all our knowledge were dumped down. Loaded with common sharing we went into fill up the answer sheet with scribing of transferred knowledge. This phenomenon was called Pre-Hall Collection and was a sure shot way to cruise through the semesters. Surprisingly after they made him sit in the first bench our Bluffmaster used to be missing from these life-n-death discussions. He used to come just 10 minutes before the exam halls were opened...used to sit quietly in the next room...walk quietly to the hall...write the exam and quietly go back home. Being the curious cat that I was,I got hold of him on the third day and asked him "Bluffmaster whatz the story man? So far as I know you there is some special trick going on".

He put on his trademark wicked-yet-lovable smile on his face and told me "Sshh..Don't tell anyone" and raised his shoes. And there it was,a paper cut to the exact shape of his shoe-soles containing all the formulas that were needed to wade through the exams. All these days he had come, gone to the other room and stuck those paper...and since couldn't afford to dirty his source of copying so he skipped the Pre-Hall Collection...sat in the exams with his legs crossed and all he needed to do is to turn over his shoes to see the formulas. Even the most vigilant of the professors could not imagine of what lies beneath the shoe.

On the last day of the exams the very same professor who had caught the Bluffmaster was on invigilation duty. From the time we got the question paper the Bluffmaster was all the time peeking into his shirt's pocket. After this happened fourth or fifth time our vigilant professor asked the Bluffmaster to empty his shirt pocket. There was only some blank papers and a few currency notes. Thinking that there might be some invisible ink scribblings on those blank papers and currency notes he confisticated the items and asked him to take back after the exams. Just 5 minutes before the exam ended Bluffmaster went to the teacher’s desk, submitted his answer sheet and took back his items. He went out only to come back minutes after with I-Am-Robbed kind of expression on his face.

The teacher asked him "Is there anything wrong?"

Bluffmaster replied in the politest yet loud enough for others to hear tone,"I don't know how to put it Sir...but it seems there is a 100 rupees note missing from the currency notes I gave you...just came back to check whether I dropped it here....no it is not here....must be lost when you took it from me...can you please check sir...actually I need to pay for my college dues today".


And then leaving the professor dumb-founded with the how-dare-you-say-that anger mixed with the loser’s sadness he walked out of the hall with the same wicked lovable smile of his.

Kiss-Naah : No kissing Please,We Are Indians

In tradition with the recent historic movies made in Bollywood my current post stats with a voice-over narration :

"Saan unissoh-chathis : Bharat ka badsaah George V guzar ne ke baad unka beta Edward VIII se saar pe taaj charah.Paar Bharat paar unke hukumaat chala srif ek hi saal.Ek American talak-suda aurat Wallis ke pyaar main deewana Edward ne apna takht apna bhai Duke of York Prince Edward ke naam kaar diyah.Paar pure British Sultanat main pyar ke liye kimaat chukane wale Edward-Wallis akele nahin the...."

The next scene begins with a sub-title : India, New Delhi 1936, The Office of Morality, British Indian Civil Service.

The camera pans down the ceiling fan rotating at a speed where you can count there goes the 1st blade, 2nd blade, 3rd blade and so on.The office is well decorated with the Union Jack, a map of Indian sub-continent and on the wall backside hangs a oil potrait of His Highness Prince Edward VIII. In the chair behind the desk a grumpy old British officer is seen smoking his cigar. In front of him stands his Babu with a bundle of papers. Behind him a love struck couple staring each other with dreamy eyes is held captive firmly by two pandu hawildaars.

Officer mutters to himself "Oh god, I am missing London badly, Delli is hot as hell...2 more months before my transfer and I am stuck in this shit-hole !"
And then in a nasal British Hindi accent shouts at his babu :"Toh yeh dono khule sadak pain kiss kaar rahe the...Outrageous...only British logo ko openly kiss karne ka permission hain... tum ghulam logo ko nahin.... you need to be punished severely."

A bend-back Babu replies in the politest tone : "Huzur aap mai-baap aap rahete huwe inko saza to zarur milega...paar penal code main aise zurm ke liye kuch likhe nahin hain"

Officer : "You lazy Babu can't you read the goddam penal code properly...there must be something for this"

Babu dumping the whole volume of the penal code on the table : "Huzur aap samajdaar aap khud hi dekh lijiye"

Officer : "Ok...ok...the word of a British officer is as good as the law.Send these buggers to Anadaman...let them live there for 5 years ...after that forget about kissing they won't dare to look at each other." (followed by a cruel laughter)

Babu : "Huzur...Cellular Jail main aur kohi cell khali nahin"

Officer :"Goddamiit why can't the prison authorities plan anything in advance...faansi pain charado indonoh ko."

Babu : "Saarkaar peechle teen saalon se itne logo ko faansi pain charayah gaye ke rassi saare khatam ho gaya.Manchester se agla lot aate aate aur teen mahine.Taab taak agar in-donoh ko bachane ke liye kohi naya andolan suru ho gaya toh ?"

Officer : "Hmmm Babu you got a point here....we should act fast...let's fine these poor bastards heavily. Babu how much do you make a month ?"

Babu : "Saarkaar tankha se 50 rupiah....aur baaki ka hisab karna padega"

Officer : "Ok that's it.Fine them 50 rupees and put it down in writing that from now on any couple found kissing in public will be fined 50 rupees..panchaash rupiyaah jurmana.....now get out of my sight while I enjoy my cigar...oh boy I miss London."

That is how the penalty for kissing in public was valued at Rs 50.Ever since then if any duti-bound pandu hawildaars found any Indian couple lip-locked immediately they issued a parcha worth Rs. 50.But during the last 70 years India has seen lot of changes and today with this money you can buy only a cup of coffee. In recent years from Kashmir-to-Kanyakumarika Indian lovers inspired by Imran Hashmi are seen smooching each-other behind the bushes.And when the police comes without the slightest botheration they just flash out a half-patti and that's it.

So the economists at Delhi Police HQ sat down calculated the relative value of Rs 50 from 1936 to 2006 using all the 4 methods available ie. Consumer Purchase Index(CPI),GDP deflactor, Unskilled wage rate, GDP per capita and Relative share of GDP. Finally after much heated debate they came to a figure of Rs 477.50.To this they added 2.5% surcharge and 2% education sess and the penality for showing your affection intimately in public with your lips will now cost you Rs 500.

Next time you kiss in public make sure you have a Rs. 500 note in your wallet. Otherwise be prepared to spend the night in jail whose lavatory conditions is yet to improve before Salman Khan renovates them with marble flooring.

Kanoon ke lambe haath

70% of the Bollywood movies of the 70s ended with the dutiful Iftekar dragging a regretful Ranjit in hand-cuffs and uttering "Kanoon ke haath bade lambe hain...isse banchke kahan jaoge".This was followed by a freezing pane potraying the budh-dhi maa,the separated-and-finally-thank-god-united twins with their heroines holding hands.The background music was always a song, which has to have the title of the film as the words. And then suddenly from no-where would zoom "THE END".Being fed on this diet for long I had always believed that "Kanoon ke lambe haath" was one of those SANDH-KA-GOBAR restricted to the celluloid world. But recent days incidents have given a shake to the very foundation of this belief. It is a shake much much stronger than Rakhi Sawant's hip movements that had my belief shattered into bits and pieces.

Justice in India seems to be on a fast track these days.Whether it is the girl foetus killer doctor or a rapist police hawildar no one is spared by the blind-folded Kanoon ki Devi. Even Bollywood celebrities are not beyond the reach of the ever stretching hands of the law. From my ignorant childhood till my know-it-all present googling days I cannot think of any similar incident like Mumbai Dance Bar Ban where court reversed government's silly idea that robbed people of their livelihood.Even the openly murdered and quickly forgotten Jessica Lal was remembered back and much to the astonishment of used-to-corruption Indian public, the red tapes on the files were re-opened again. In short the Indian justice system is sending strong message that amidst all the gloom that hovers over the Indian society there is still hope in the form of messiahs dressed in black gowns and armed with the wooden hammers.

But strangely the sceptic in me is far from satisfied. Why is it that all of a sudden headlines are bound to carry a justice delivered story each day?After all this is India yaar!!! We are used to seeing ministers come out clean like a SURF-KI-DHULAI even if the evidences of their corruption pile to Himalayan heights.We are used to look for the blacker in front of the movie theatres.... check for minister's quota while buying railway tickets.... run to the local MLA for admitting either ailing parents to the hospital or failing children to the school. Our basic survival depends on how good we are in finding the back doors to anywhere and everywhere. That's how we were brought up...that's how we had been.... till recent times. So what’s the story behind the story after all?

Is it that a new India emerging out of its corrupt past? Nah, I still find it difficult to digest even with the HAJMOLA SAAR. Living in Red Bengal during early years Marxist Dadas had taught us to conceive The State as a machinery consisting of the legislative body, the bureaucracy, the armed forces, the judiciary and the social bodies working in unison to ensure the smooth running of the economics. Unfortunately since the Independence we have had such bitter experiences with nearly all the arms of the state. Be it the local MP who is ready to take a bribe as low as Rs. 10000 or the Sarkaari Babu whose PAAN KA KHARCHA might purchase a paan shop itself or the Daroga-ji from the local police stations whose rate varies depending on what your needs are….if you can pay the price you can buy them all. The only pillar of the state that was left untouched by this distrust was The Judiciary. And India suddenly finding itself among the economic boom needs somebody to clean the Aegean stable or at least give the impression of Cleaning in Progress.So shall we call it the last attempt of the Indian state to convince its people that "Ram-rajya" is not far away?

Let's wait and watch while the lawyers fight it out...maybe "Ram-rajya" is not that far away.

Maine Shikar Kyun Kiya

Indian Justice strikes its thunder at the right spot again.This time it's the naughty boy from Bollywood our own Main-To-Expose-Karunga-Censor-Se-Nahin-Darunga Sallu who gets a five years imprisonment sentence for killing a black buck.Incidentally this case which started from 1998 had a list of 43 witnesses of which 38 came for their testimony in the court.

Since I was following the proceedings of the case with all the attention of the world lemme give you the horse's (err deer's ) mouth account of what really happened inside the Jodhpur court :

Sarkaari wakil started his logic,"Your honor...yeh ekdum paani ke tarah saaf hain ke mulzim Salman Khan ne hi us lachar baad kismaat janwaar ko maara tha. Hamare pass 43 gawah hain jinhone jhadiwon ke peeche apne ankhon se mulzim ko trigger dabate dekha hain."

The defence counsel being from Mumbai and ignorant of rural ways of life argued : "Your honor ,it's a conspiracy against my client ...nahin to jhadiwon ke beech itne saare gao-waalon usi time main kaar kya raha tha ?"

To which his learned friend said : "Mumbai ke alishan banglow main rahene wale mere dost ko sayed yeh malum nahin ke subah subah gaon main log jhadiwon ke peeche kya karte hain"

Defence Counsel grabbing the fact like Dhoni jumping on another Kumble off-break shouted: "I object your honor.....How can people in that postion confirm whether it was my client who killed the buck ?"

Then he calls one witness and asks him to tell the court of where and how he was s(h)itting on that fateful day and concludes ..."Your Honor saaf zahir hain s(h)itting at this posture you cannot see what is happening at 500 ft and that too with so less light of the morning that Rahul Dravid surely would have appealed for a bad light."

Sarkari wakil adjusting his specs gives a U-must-be-Silly look at his counterpart and says
"The usage of organ for excretion does not cause any temporary defect of vision.And as per the lights are concerned.I can prove that by bringing expert evidence of about 100 jhodpi-walas from Mumbai who by the virtue of their daily morning yoga routine by the railway track and not getting hit by a train for a single time have collected sufficient medical data about the non co-relation between these two organs even in the morning dim lights"

Judge-saab remembering the last time he went to Mumbai by train shudders at the thought of going through that ordeal once again and immediately hammers "OBJECTION OVER-RULED."

And after that it was an OPEN-AND-SHUT case which finally saw justice delivered at the death of the BLACK BUCK.

Incidentally the sceptics are asking "How come Salman gets 5 years for killing a deer and only 500 rupees for knocking down man ?"

Well,well my ignorant friends when will you realise that over the years due to Maneka Gandhi and PETA's Let Us Wear Bikinis Instead of Fur Coats protests the Indian justice system came to realise a long time back that footpath-wallahs are of little value when compared to the four legged ones.

On another note only 8 of these 38 witnesses turned hostile (means only 8 agreed to do a full paalti on receipt of a Salman Khan Dare-to-Bare poster autographed by the star himself and a good amount of money).

I wonder can't we have the same situation for Jessica Laal's case too ?

Gracias ...Carol u made me almost famous !!!

Never believed the Sad-old-bong when he said it works .
But now a screenshot from my stats-counter confirms it really works.I guess when your site ends up in the google search you can call yourself a celebrity.

Autographs anyone ?

India Passion Week

As a teen-ager in the sex-starved India me and many from my age-group ( excluding the impotent ones ) had been thrilled at the naughty wind blowing off the mal-maal ka laal dupatta and revealing heroine's half inch deep cleavage.Then were was other forces of nature like the rain pouring on the not too revealing transcluscent saaris changing its optical property to revealing transparent.And not to be left behind in this erosion of the saari the human forces join hands too -- remember the andhi tufaan-waali raat and the gajraati bijli when Gulshan Grover ripped apart the hero's andhi bahen's saari.

But those were the innocent times...before the advent of the compulsory item numbers,MMS clips (do I sound like a dinosaur here)...and now we have the Lick-Me Indian Passion Week and WADROBE MALFUNCTION.

According to copy-paste from Wikipedia :"Wardrobe malfunction is a euphemism used to describe the presumed accidental exposure,because of a defect attributed to an article or articles of clothing, of what would be considered an intimate part or parts of the body of their wearer."

Maatlaab sudh hindi main "Galti se mistake hoke aagar baadan se chunri sarak jaaye,taan-badan ka jhalak buri nazar-waalon ke nazar main aayen to use kahete hain VASTRAGAR ka LOCH yaane ki WADROBE MALFUNCTION".

Just when the moral police in the government ( and I thought Sushma Swaraj belonged to BJP and Congress were the ruling party) decided to stop airing of the "Babu-ji dhire chalo" we immediately found a new way of entertaining ourselves.

So we have the zippers getting zapped, the halter neck top halting before sliding all the way down and OF-COURSE the camera cell-phones going click..click..click and the very next moment Hutch-Airtel seeing a steep rise both in their MMS traffic and their profits.

It could have been deliberate cheap publicity stunt (never heard of either Bennu Sehgall or Lascelles Symmons before today) or it could have been a genuine accident.
But frankly speaking who cares ? So long we have the raunchy MMS clips and the Item Numbers we probably wouldn't notice even if Gulshan Grover retires.

As a nation when are we going to grow up ?

Update: Thanks to the effort of Maharastra Deputy CM R.R. Patil the Mumbai cops after running the video for umpteenth time have confirmed it was a case of genuine ACCIDENT. Hopefully next thing Mr. Patil will come up is that the suicide of the Vidarbha farmers is an ACCIDENT too.....the only problem nobody has a footage of these un-glamourous ganwar folks.

Mathrubhumi -- A nation without women

The news of a girl foetus killer doctor going behind the bars made me happy today morning.But like all shades of happiness this one too had its own pinch of salt - A person capable of doing such an act desevres 100 rotten years in hell....2 years of sentence is too less.

But who's the real culprit ? The person who has the beast for the feast or the butcher who killed it ?

The simple reason Dr Anil Sabhani had opened this business instead of just writing prescriptions for cold and head-ache is that there is good clientele....a big market full of people who wants to know the sex of their un-born child and make sure it is not a beti whose dehej is going to cost the family's purkho ka makan,kheti-baadi,cow,goat,lizards,cockroaches and what not.So kill it before it sees the light of the day,nip it in the bud.....and go to the mandir and pray that the next child is a SON whose marriage will bring so much wealth that the next seven generations can shower themselves in milk and honey.So the doctor saab put a neon sign over his clinic : "Pay 1,000 rupees now for a test, rather than 100,000 rupees later." and in a country where getting pregenant is even more common than catching cold the killer's business grows day by day.

Now time for some facts and figures :

The Indian Medical Association estimates that 5,00,00 girls are aborted each year.

In 1901 in India, there were 972 women to every 1,000 men.
By 2001 there were 933 women to every 1,000 men.
In Hariyana/Punjab there are only 861 women to every 1,000 men.

Long ago in 1890 Tagore wrote a short story called Dena-Paona about the death of a bride who died because of her father's inability to pay the dowry.Even after 116 years the moral of the story remains very very pertinent to our Indian society.

Now you tell me is that because of Tagore's dazzling brilliance or shameless failure of our society ?

Office of Profit

For the last few days we the people of India were entertained by another nautanki titled "Office of Profit".
Looks like the script was penned down two years ago by Madan Mohan Shukla a petty Congress leader in UP. Shuklaji's nomination paper was thrown into waste basket as he forgot to mention his educational qualifaction in the form. No no don't confuse Shuklaji to be an angutha chaap...his next course of action proves otherwise. He went back to the library and pulled a copy of Indian Constitution,read between the lines and then struck the treasure
"Thou shalt not hold both office of profit and MPs seat together" said the commandment.
His opponent Jaya Bachchan was heading the UP Film Development Board who produce Bhojpuri phillums like "Sajan mora pahelwaan".So Shuklaji filed a case saying that Jaya-ji cannot be an MP when she is earning munafa after munafa by developing UP's phillum.
The lawyer wrote the petition....chaprasi took down the case....judge adjusted his wigs...drummed his kanun ka hathodi...two years flew by. Finally adalaat saari gawaon ko nazar rakhte huwe yeh natize paar paucha ke Jayaji aap phillum development board se itni munafa kamaya ke aap MP paad ke laayek nahin!!!
Jaya Bachchan cried---Amar Singh fried(the Congress)---Mulayam Singh tried (to prove in UP bidhansabha that Bhojpuri phillums are not so profitable)--- paar Kalam saab kisi ka nahin suna.Jayaji had to resign her MP post.
Now L.K. Advani who didnot throw any water filled balloons this holi suddenly saw an oppurtunity to throw this balloon at Sonia She was holding post of Chairman of National Advisory Council.This post even more profitable because they donot make bhojpuri phillums.So the Saffron brigade charges at the parliament...say "Sonia must go"...Congress replies "No no".
The argument continues 24x7 and media gets all the experts they can to comment on the matter. Finally Congress close down the parliament,ministers rush back to their offices...Union law minister calls all the lawyers he knows. They look up all the sections and sub-sections..but gives only one verdict : Kaanon ki devi andhaa hain and so fails to distinguish between 5 foot Indian Jaya Bachchan and the tall Italian Sonia Gandhi.
Way out : Let Sonia resign...she can always win another election from Rae Bareli whose people are happy to vote for even for a lamp-post whose surname is Gandhi. And so it was Sonia who heard her inner voice and said she never ever did any thing for her personal profit so to proove the point she is resigned.Congress and their allies clap as hard as they can....BJP camp says this is not Tyag but only maajburi.
Whats happens next ? Does Sonia's resignation change anything ? No it doesnot...she still remains the UPA chairperson and still can pull the strings attached to our puppet PM. The only loosers are the tax-payers whose tax money will see a new way of spending --- the re-elections.
But then again nothing comes for free...so being entertained by the political drama also has its price.

City of Joy in pics

Howrah Bridge This bridge contains no nuts and bolts - all joins are through studs.

Vidyasagar Setu Copied from Golden Gate bridge SF ,this bridge took 15 years to build from 1978 - 93 !!!

Victoria Memorial This was built between 1906-1921 in an architectural style similar to Taj Mahal as a memorial for Queen Victoria.Now it is famous for the nooks and corners where lovers get TOO intimate !!!

Eden Gardens The largest cricket stadium in the world.Watching a cricket match here sitting in the Ranji gallery is an experience of a lifetime. The venue is equally loved and hated by the cricketers depending on which side the passionate spectators had shown their passion!!!

St. Pauls Cathedral One of the finest cathedrals in India contains mural paintings depicting the life of St. Paul.

Rickshaw Made famous by the cover page on Dominique Lapierre's City of Joy this has become one of the trademarks of Kolkata.

Tram One of the other trademarks of Kolkata.If you have plenty of time a trip in the tram across Maidan is a worthwhile experience.

Bangalore looses again

Bangalore oops Bengaluru’s fate suffers badly once again in the hands of the Gowda family. This time after Narayana Murthy it is the MRT (mass rapid transport) visionary of Bangalore IAS officer K N Srivastava who is given the boots. His fault --- he failed to invite honorary H.D Kumaraswamy to the function for changing the logo for Bangalore Metro rail project!!!! This brings us to the basic question:

How the Indian democracy is held hostage by a few thugs like Gowda family and we people have very little say in it.

The reason we score against China is that we have a democratic system in comparison to their autocratic Communist leadership. But this essence is losing its value as people like Gowda makes Indian democracy look like a farce and we the ordinary people have no say at all. By the time foreign customers of Indian IT will be sick of the infrastructure problems and be forced look beyond the Indian shores for their software vendor the Gowda family will have amassed a fortune and our children will suffer the joblessness caused. I can only dream that we somehow we can measure the damages beforehand and someone from us will overthrow these bunch of robbers and take on the leadership to steer the new India to its boom.

Ides of March

Looking at the front page of Wikipedia today revealed that on 15-th March:

44 BC : Julius Ceaser uttered "Et tu Brute" (You too Brutus) before stabbed to death

It is debated that the Ceaser's last words were in Greek instead of Latin.

He is supposed to say "Kai su, teknon?" which means You too MY CHILD ?

Did you know that Ceaser had an affair with Brutus's mother ?

The Times They Are a-Changin

When I read the news about the blast in Varanasi my first reaction was how many more will die in the riots to come. Good news is that the number is very very low : A BIG ZERO!!! And that's what makes me proud.........an economically strong new India gives a "stick it up your ass" salute to the terrorists who are trying to widen the communal gap. If the same trend continues terror will loose the battle without any bullets fired from our side. And that itself should be a lesson to the hard-liners of Indian politics - realise the call of the day ---MOVE ON. See the fate of Shiv Sena who are fading from political centre stage as they failed to realise how little regional sentiments are valued in present days' politics. An ordinary Mumbaiya hardly cares if someone from outside state/country is earning a living in Mumbai so long as jobs are plenty and well-paid too. Kudos to the BJP leader Vinay Katiyar
(check this link) who admitted that times have changed and the old slogans based to regional/communal pride/hatred don't work anymore. Hope it is reflected in their future political agendas as well.
Like Bob Dylan sang :

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

A VERY HAPPY HOLI TO ALL